“You can have sex with my sister over my dead body”
“Umm, I appreciate the weird offer, but I’m just gonna do it in my car”
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Accidently went when it wasn’t my turn at a 4 way stop so now I have to follow this car home to apologize
If sex was my religion, I’d be an athiest.
I want to see a combination celebrity chef and magician. Like when they put it in the oven it was baked risotto but when they take it out of the oven it’s corn dogs.
20: Roll out of bed looking like a model
30: Blush, brush hair & go
40: Blowout, perfume, push-up bra, mani, Spanx, facial, plaster of Paris
On the street or subway you can only imagine what that idiot is thinking. On Twitter, you get to see what that idiot is thinking.
a rare painting of a dragon eating spaghetti
I’m going to stay off my phone today and clean my house.
Narrator: She stayed off her phone for 25 minutes and cleaned off the couch to nap.
Positive I heard an audible gasp from my car as I drove past the wine store
Me: If you don’t like my rules, maybe you can find a different mom.
4yo: *excitedly* Can we really do that?
God: Don’t eat that Apple. You can smoke this plant I made instead
[20 min later]
Adam: Sooo hungry
Eve: Me too
Adam: That apple looks good
Me: I just murdered Frank Sinatra
Cop: What?? He’s been dead for years
Me: I was at the karaoke bar
Cop: Oh I see lol
Me *puzzled* who the hell did I kill?
One two three whole cakes devoured, and suddenly nobody believes you’re on a diet
God: And they will have relationships full of love, commitment, and passion
Angel: Sounds perfect
God: Lol, they have to pick two of three
78, 68, 77, 69, 78, 68, 75, 65, 75, 67, 79, 60
My mom & me, changing the thermostat behind each other’s backs.
Not to brag, but I’m NOT going to buy a fitness machine, like a Peloton, only to have it turn into a clothing rack.
I’m going to eat until I reach the point where I, myself, am the large, stationary clothing rack in the corner of a room.
painter: do you want to put down the burrito while I paint your portrait?
me: absolutely not
wife: our house is on fire! who you gonna call?!
[later]
ghostbusters (standing in ashes): you really should’ve called the fire department
Call me old fashioned, but I never cry in front of another man unless it’s to get out of a speeding ticket…
Your password must include 5 minutes of interpretive dance, 15 excerpts from contemporary fiction and 1 word made up by Shakespeare.
They dug up a skeleton on my street. Crazy to think that somewhere out there someone is walking around without a skeleton
If I ever go missing just tell my 5-year-old I’m relaxing. She’ll find me. She always does.
i work as a dj on the side. i like to hide a speaker somewhere in the club and make it drown out my music with a home depot ad every five minutes. everybody runs around trying to shut it off, but no one can figure out where it’s coming from. my stage name is DJ ESPN’s Website
There’s no song for those of us who want to throw our hands up in the air and wave ‘em like we have a great deal of concern.
Telling jokes on Twitter makes you a Comedian… The same way skinny jeans make you skinny…
BOSS: that wraps up our meeting. does anyone have anything to add?
COWORKER WHO HAS NOTHING TO ADD: i have something to add
my buddy: hey nick you want a beer?
the t1000 impersonating me: nah im good
my buddy: cool cool…. (slowly reaches for a shotgun under the counter)
ocean: *waves*
me: *starts to wave back then realize it’s waving at the woman behind me*
Dietician: “I can help you lose weight in 12 easy steps.”
Me: “Is there an elevator?”
(My kid looking over my shoulder as I sign an email.)
Kid: You’re not a Dr!
Me: YES I AM! What do you think I was studying for all the time when you were little?
Kid: Oh, I thought you just liked reading books and crying.
[watching burglar tear apart the house] lmao ur not even close