Never figured out why animated movies always showed a witch brewing some boiling hot Mountain Dew in a big cauldron.
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cow = cattle
farmer = cattler
rennet = catalyst
*rennet is an enzyme in cows’ stomachs that helps turn milk into cheese- this is a fast, faster, fastest pun and I just really want you to like me
A strong person stands up for himself. A stronger person stands up for himself while bench pressing another person standing up for himself.
Yesterday my son told me I was the funniest person he knows which was so sweet. Then he asked for twenty dollars.
Everyone in the gym on January 1st
Me: Are you ready for your spelling test?
6-year-old: I know all the words.
Me: Good.
6: Just not all the letters in them.
My husband gets me to scream his name by doing his signature move of not leaving any toilet paper in the bathroom.
Me: I don’t know how to ride a horse
Whiskey: Yes you do
It’s not a real relationship, until you’ve apologized to a locked bathroom door.
That moment when you cut into a seedless watermelon and find out it’s only allegedly seedless
My washing machine is broken and the laundry is piled so much now, I’ve started to wear old Halloween costumes
Surprise a beautiful person today by disagreeing with them.
A teenage girl trying to find the right t-shirt, is far more decisive than me in front of 10 different sandwiches
Got Christmas card glitter all over me and now I can’t stop stripping.
at my local diner ordering eggs “gorilla” style and refusing to explain further
“Drop it like it’s hot,” is my favorite song about dropping stuff that’s hot.
Our former nanny is pregnant and while I’m happy for her I’m mostly just relieved that my kids didn’t ruin her desire to be a parent
Wife: What’s with the bug spray?
Me: I can’t stand the little bloodsuckers.
Wife: You’re a vampire.
Me: I DON’T MAKE PEOPLE ITCHY, KAREN!
me, after scolding my kids: *walking away*
son: ALEXA, play the Imperial March
[Spelling bee]
Moderator: your word is *looks at card and sees Worcestershire* uh-
Contestant:
Moderator: *sweating*
Contestant:
Moderator: forklift
911: What is your emergency.
M: I need to report a home invasion. This woman looks like my mother in law but she’s smiling. Please hurry.
Dentist: Any sensitivities?
Me: I don’t like being called names
Dentist: I meant your teeth, dummy
Me: *tearing up* Dude
Interviewer: how did you write that song?
Singer: well, I had an epiphany…
Me, brilliant musician: couldn’t afford a Gibson, eh?
Keep reading this tweet, I don’t want you to see me steal your donut
The part in Forrest Gump where the rich guy decides to quit running and leave his followers out in the desert reminds me a lot of politics
I inject heroin into my arm that’s scarred from times prior, my eyes roll back into my head as my manager pounds on my door telling me I’m on in five minutes. Let’s rock I say as I grab my bass guitar, take a pull of whisky, and get into my chuckee cheese mouse band costume
I jump out in front of you and open my trenchcoat, but I’m fully clothed. I start showing you the kittens I keep in the pockets. Are they wearing their own tiny raincoats? Heck yeah they are
If you think January has been a big month for marches, you’re gonna lose your mind when you hear what the 3rd month of the year is called.
[introducing a girl to my parents]
“These are the roommates I was telling you about”
Daughter: dad, will you sign up for the fun run?
Me: I don’t understand your question. Those words don’t belong together.
Congrats to everyone who just got cast in the new Star Wars movie. The film industry is telling you they think you look like an alien.