Spring is coming – I bet the trees will be releaved.
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count dracula: at last i’ve got you wolf man
wolf man: at last i’ve got you dracula
*dracula turns into a bat*
*wolf man turns into a wolf*
godzilla: weird flex, but ok
*eats them both*
My daughter has a lovebird and we’ve never gotten them sexed b/c it doesn’t matter and ppl were seriously like “but then how will you know what to name it????”
My kid was like “uh their name is Toast”
-Why do you carry that lazy dog on your shoulders, he can walk
-Mind your business
-Looks like dog actually wants to get down
-I forgot my coat, okay?
the plan to cancel student loan debt would be a slap in the face to those of us who learned to Walk Thru Walls and make disembodied noises every time the debt collector calls
Him: You need to work on your communication skills
Me: [through megaphone right up in his face] PLEASE BE MORE SPECIFIC
Me: If you wear a bikini to the zoo is it a zucchini
LeBron: I…is this the right room? The nurse said you were dying
Me: Dying to meet you
That bear was just minding its own business. You brought that granola bar into the situation. Should have brought enough to share.
It finally happened.
After living here 11 years, my neighbors finally caught me outside and introduced themselves.
Well I gave my middle son a haircut and long story short it is a darn good thing he’s stuck at home
God: You’ll be huge and fat
Blue Whale: Dang
God: Awful eyesight
Whale: Ugh
God: No predators- except other whales
Whale: I don’t wanna do thi-
God: Biggest junk on the planet
Whale: I’m in
toddler *banging his hammer on the coffee table*
me: What are you making?
toddler: Noise
If you told Alexander Hamilton that the online lottery to see his rap musical was unavailable due to server overload, he’d be like, “WITCH!”
Sir Im sorry I rear ended you but I was focused on not accidentally eating a purple jelly bean and you’re handling this really insensitively
Is Bowser a kind of turtle that has spikes, or is he in some kind of turtle youth movement that wear spikes and wristbands and harbor bad turtle attitudes
I broke up with a guy because he killed a horse on Skyrim.
I just saw a sign that said “if you can plan for a wedding, you can plan for a natural disaster” and in my mind those two things are the same things
Had that dream again where I was the Pied Piper…but I was playing the saxophone and all the moms in the neighborhood were following me around.
I forgot why I was retracing my steps so I gave up and re-retraced them back to bed.
I couldn’t remember my speech at a funeral today so I improvised with a magic trick and sawed the coffin in half
Saw a man holding a newspaper and a blackberry so time travel is possible you guys!
nurse: how do you rate ur pain
me: zero stars
nurse:
me: would not recommend
Anyone who says actions speak louder than words hasn’t heard this lady in the booth next to me at Chili’s.
Text from girlfriend: I love u more than anything else
Me: I love all the letters equally
Citizen: We need your help!
Sailor Moon: Okay! Let me just change.
*20 mins later*
Sailor Moon: I’m ready!
Citizen: Everyone’s dead.
I miss the old days when street gangs asserted their dominance through aggressive hair combing.
Me, parenting my kids 10 years ago: We don’t hit each other. We use our words.
Me, parenting teens now: Please take it outside if you’re going to kill your brother. I just cleaned.
Men love me.
Germs fear me.Or vice versa, whatever
Chicken salad is just like regular salad except, it’s afraid of the dark.
Officer: do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: pass
Officer: have you been drinking?
Me: pass
Officer: You can’t just keep..
Me: pass