2017 Resolution: spend more quality time with my son
*son begins describing his 500 new Pokémon cards*
Well, there’s always next year
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I heard a girl at the bar last night drunkenly ask the bartender “what’s the closest drink you guys have to a chicken nugget.”
a lot of the people who told me i’d never be able to use 6 slabs of acme fish as a blanket are reaaaaal quiet these days…..
If anyone needs like five things 25% done and no things 100% done, just let me know.
Imagine being the kid that got cut from the team on Air Bud because they had to make a roster spot for a golden retriever.
Where have you been all my life? Please go back there.
Accidentally walked into the women’s bathroom, went ahead and peed sitting down so it wouldn’t be awkward for anyone.
I can’t wait for the day when we can place specific blame in the fine print of pharmaceutical ads like CARL YOU’RE THE REASON WE CAN’T USE THIS WHEN WE’RE DRIVING THE BULLDOZER
Oh you’re an oscillating fan? Name three of their settings
[leaving sushi restaurant]
WAITER: sayonara
ME: onara
Me: You’re telling me someone broke into the house and the only thing that was stolen was the ice cream?
Husband: (without breaking eye contact) Yes.
Did your date order honey for dinner? Did your date eat the waiter when he brought the honey? Is your date a bear? You are dating a bear.
DENTIST: Open
*patient opens mouth*
D: Nice! Stay open
*dentist sheds lab coat-he’s a hermit crab.Crawls in mouth*
D: New home sweet home!
AAA is king of the junk mail. Once a week I get an envelope that looks like divorce papers and inside it’s like “time to split… with roadside anxiety”
Single and never gonna mingle.
I tested positive for aloneavirus.
When the cashier at PetSmart asked me for my phone number I said it loud enough for the hot guy behind me in line to hear.
I might have repeated it.
Help Wanted
How many bears would Bear Grylls grill, if Bear Grylls could grill bears?
I don’t know who this Rorschach guy is, but he sure likes drawing pictures of my parents not being proud of me!
Mechanic: Your car won’t pass inspection.
Me: Here’s $20 to look the other way.
Mechanic [looking the other way]: Your car won’t pass inspection.
McDonald’s burgers always look so great in their commercials but when you actually order one it always looks like its been sat on.
What idiot called them haunted houses and not bad manors?
I found eleven dollars in the dryer this morning and spent the rest of my day interviewing investment advisors.
[first date]
me: [don’t let her know you’re a microwave]
her: my food is a bit cold
me: [my head starts slowly rotating]
nfts were less about the money and more about the friends you scammed along the way.
There are two types of people in this world, avoid both.
Accidentally ate the sticker on my apple. This wouldn’t have happened if it had been a Snickers.
I tried a little beginner’s yoga earlier. The ambulance should be here any minute.
[deathbed]
ME: Dear?
WIFE: I’m here…don’t worry, all your affairs are in order
ME: You found out about my affairs?
WIFE: What?
ME: What?
[pronounces lasagna like bologna]