Wife: I read my mom that funny tweet you wrote.
Me: Don’t you mean THOSE funny TWEETS?
Wife: …
Me: …
Wife: No. No, I don’t.
You Might Also Like
I keep rearranging my home office just to throw off everyone on the work video calls.
I was blinded by a goddamn deer with a shiny red nose… No, officer, I haven’t been drinking
My mom, to me as a kid: You’d probably never bathe if you could get away with it.
Me now, in quarantine: She was right on the money with that one.
ME: [outlining corpse] I need other chalk
CHIEF: Just use white
M: Permission to speak freely
C: Go on
M: How can I draw the hair w/o yellow
The craziest moment in my life was when my daughter was born. The second craziest was when they made us leave the hospital with her two days later, like we knew what we were doing
Weird how my husband can sleep through the baby crying but he jumps straight up with one unsnap of my bra hook.
My kids will be late to school even if we lived inside the school
As a belated Valentine’s Day gift, I am leaving the country for a week.
My husband: how is that a gift if I have to take care of the kids alone?
Me: sorry I was talking to myself
people say they’re “over the moon” when they’re happy, but it’s a lie; the moon is one of those things you will never truly get over
Lucky old June.
supermarket employee [scanning 34 different types of cheese]: you sure do like cheese
me [nervously looking at my shirt pocket where a mouse pointing a gun at me is sitting]: cheese
Girlfriend: can you run to the gas station and get some gas
Me: sure
Gas station employee: how can I help you
Me: *sweating out of breath* gas please
Gas station employee: where’s your car
“This is greatest invention since sliced Brett!”
—Cannibals
I’m 45 yrs old. I have never turned on a flashlight without making the lightsaber noise
Toddler *at 8 AM*: Mom, I had zero candy today
Me: Is this a statement of complaint or achievement?
People with house arrest ankle bracelets get so touchy when you compare them to a dog’s invisible fence.
I mean, I’m smart, but I’m no Alfred Einstein.
Me: I’ve installed a sensor to let me know when there’s any social awkwardness in the air
Michael Cera:
Sensor: *bursts into flames*
Dr: You’ve gained some weight
Me: You said I should take it easy
Dr: That was a yr ago & you were sick
Me: WELL I’M NOT A MIND READER
Smoke alarms are stupid — like I’d ever forget to smoke.
*Toddler throws sock on floor and bursts into tears*
Me: Why are you crying?!
Toddler: Because someone took my sock
Me: No one took your sock!
Toddler: Then where is it?!
Me: It’s right there on the floor next to my sanity
🎵 Papa, just killed this toy
Stomped my foot against its head
Batteries fell out, now it’s dead Papa, playtime had just begun
But now I’ll go and throw tantrums all day…🎵-If “Bohemian Rhapsody” was remade to fit my toddler’s mood.
surgeon: this man has a broken leg
horse surgeon intern: oh no
surgeon: which we can easily fix
horse surgeon intern: wait which we can what?
*Orders something on Amazon because I need a box*
My daughter, when I ask her to clean up.
ME: need help?
GIRL (having car trouble): could u give me a jump
ME: *inflating the bounce house I keep in my trunk* I thought u’d never ask
My son will never know the thrill of illegally downloading Thong Song on napster and waiting 1h39m for it to download
Celebrating Groundhog Day seems silly since we’ve been re-living the same day for the past year
Report: Scientist walks in on climate changing, awkwardness ensues
Hostage: *screaming*
Mafia boss: hurry up and tape his mouth!
Me: *still trying to find the end of the tape on the roll*