I’m going to take up vaping because I am tired of people taking me seriously.
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My boss: If you say “that would make a great band name” one more time I have to fire you.
Me, looking at a box that says “Hand Soap Refill”: It has been a pleasure working with you
Does laundry while drinking
*somehow washes a lampshade
My wife shook me awake at 7am on a Sunday “because it’s not raining, and we have a lot to do today”
Holy shit, I married my father
Pro Tip: Always put your keys away in the last place you’d look, then look there first.
breaking into your house and inventorying your pantry so you know what you need the next time you go to costco
What’s that thing called where every time you stand up you have to limp for the first minute? Oh yeah…39
Neighbor: can you watch my dog?
Me: like through your window?
N: no, I meant like-
Me: cause I don’t do that now
N: watc-
Me: okay once
i’m no stephen hawking but i think
what happens is that they cancel
each other out
[god creating ants]
Anteater: finally
Mom said I should only date “a good man” and I was like HEAVENS TO BETSY I WISH I HAD KNOWN THIS PERTINENT INFORMATION BEFORE NOW.
Bartender: What can I get you?
Me: Sex, beards, rock & roll?
Bartender:
Me: Sparkling vampire crazy about me?
Bartender:
Me: Beer.
Most couples have at least one odd bit of cutlery in their cutlery drawer that they presume belongs to their partner, which is why it’s fun to sneak odd bits of cutlery into your friends’ cutlery drawer when you visit.
[kidnapper hands wife phone]
“brent”
BABY IM COMIN *kidnapper takes back phone but she can hear me yelling* IS THE HAM IN THE FRIDGE EXPIRED
[gently waking my mom] I cut my hair like He-Man’s
“People keep accidentally asking me to purchase meat for them”
“By mistake?”
“Not you as well”.
You grab a lizard by the tail and those fuckers will just hit the “detach” switch and book it. If peoples legs did that, we’d be fucked.
Entrepreneurs will work hard and put in 120% for years only for one article to tell you that their secret is that they do yoga at 4.30am 🙄🙄🙄
ME: I got pizza sauce on my mouse. I need a new one.
IT DEPARTMENT: You should just be able to wipe it off.
ME: Too late, I ate it.
I’m forgetful. My wife is rememberful.
I can still fit into the locker I was shoved into in high school.
“So we kill a tree”
Ok
“And put it inside our house”
Nice
“Then we hang up some socks”
I’m with ya
“And then we drink egg milk punch”
What
squirrel: *points gun*
me: what do you want me to do?
squirrel: *gestures at sign*
me: alright, i get it *opens book drop*
squirrel: *makes hurry-up motion*
me: NOT A SQUIRREL!
I haven’t filled up the salt and pepper shakers on the table for a year and I still don’t think my family has noticed nothing is coming out of them.
If I lost a leg in an accident the worst part would be never being able to flush a public toilet again
Me: Here’s half my income.
Daycare: Cool. Here’s a new virus every other week.
Son: I want a quinceañera.
Me: You can’t have one
Son: Why not?
Me: Just asking this makes me realize why you failed spanish 1 last year
*ps: he is also 16*
A date sounds nice but you’ll need to bring a friend for my parole officer.
Her: I don’t even know what the cloning machine does
Me: Well that makes two of us..
Me: Dont you hate it when you enter a room and then forget what you came in for? Haha.
Patient on the operating table: Can I have some other surgeon please?
*fakes headache to get out of work*
*updates resume with “proficient at adapting previously learned skills to new tasks”*