Starbucks? Yes I’d like a tepid mug of milk froth please. My name’s Adam, but you can call me Aldin.
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Despite evidence to the contrary, I still maintain typing louder and harder will magically make my incorrect password correct.
The moral of Pinocchio is that lying is only bad if it’s really obvious.
My pet toddler is scratching at the door again.
ME: The plane has wifi? Sweet, I’m going to Skype call that radio psychic.
RADIO PSYCHIC: Go ahead caller, you’re on the air
ME: HOLY SHIT
Twitter is fun because you get to be like, “Ducks are good” and someone in your mentions will go, “Um, I’m sorry but my brother is married to a duck scientist and this is a harmful view” and then someone else pops up going, “Your silence about horses is extremely telling”
My son (11) was talking to his friends playing fortnite and I hear him say, “My mom is a big deal on the internet” to which one of the kids said, “Is she on Onlyfans?” And son said, “What’s that?” And other kid said, “Google it” and when I say I have never run so fast in my life
“Awwww, that is so sweet! I think you’re outstanding too!”
me, to the collection agency
Each one of us has a secret. My secret is that I can’t keep a secret. Also Jill is a lesbian.
if you’re not in my circle of trust , you’re probably in my triangle of suspicion or rhombus of doubt.
“My wife worked a 12-hour day and I asked what was for dinner” I explain to the other homeless people.
MARIE ANTIONETTE: The peasants don’t have bread? Let them eat cake.
MY ANCESTOR, wiping cake and bread crumbs off his tunic: So, funny story, Queen…
[Hears kids approaching]
Me: Think we can outrun them?
Wife: Them? I just need to outrun YOU.
I wonder if those Gmail password hackers know how much my dog hates having to learn a new name.
[Homeschool field trip to the laundry room]
Kids: Dad, what IS this place?
Me: I have absolutely no idea
[NASA press conf]
“good news: we found a cat on Mars”
REPORTER: & the bad news?
“[recalls Curiosity rover running it over] uh it’s sleeping”
I smile whenever I say “cheese” regardless of whether or not my picture is being taken
a pizza is basicaly a real-time pie chart of how much pizza i am going to eat
PEOPLE WITH CHRONICALLY MOIST HANDS:
When you have dry lips, rub them on your palms.
I call it Lip palm.
It’s free.
This looks like a job for Superman!
-unemployed Superman reading the classifieds
[pet therapy]
THERAPIST: ok slow
ME: *pets 2 dogs*
T: just 1
M: *pets 3 dogs*
T: Nurse, restrain him, he’s
M: *pets 4 dogs*
T: roverdosing
Everyone is so pissed off about the birds that they neglect to notice those eight maids a-milking also came with eight cows a-shitting.
VITAMIN WATER: we’re like water, but with vitamins
ME: which ones
VITAMIN WATER: well sugar is a vitamin
ME: no it’s not
VITAMIN WATER: what about blue
[first day as a mechanic]
customer: can i get a quote?
me: give me liberty or give me death
customer: i meant for the truck
me: oh sorry…autobots, roll out
The first 8-10 hours after I wake up are the roughest.
Nature abhors a vacuum. And dogs. Dogs also abhor a vacuum.
Macbeth [waggling eybrows]: I know a spot
Lady Macbeth: out
Macbeth: but-
Lady Macbeth: OUT
It’s not easy to find someone who has their shit together, but when I do I avoid them at all costs.
[moments before death with my life flashing before my eyes]
Me: Wow, that’s a lot of cat gifs.
My family keeps bringing up my felony like I’m afraid to commit another one.