Yes, I’m English.
No, I can’t speak British to you.
No, I don’t know the Queen.
No, I don’t want a spot of tea.
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A man rejecting my advances can’t hurt me. I have a dog who leaves the bed every time I climb in.
Her: I read on Facebook…
Me: I’m going to stop you there.
I see you’ve blocked me on all social media sites & moved house without leaving a forwarding address
Baby, does this mean we’re on a break?
My apartment is a mess, I should move
WIFE: Did everyone at work enjoy the cookies I baked?
ME: [pretending I didn’t eat them all on the drive in] WHATS WITH ALL THE QUESTIONS?!
Capri sun packages were designed to teach kids how to do emergency tracheotomies
Bro,I seriously locked myself outta my jeep.
He was driving a top-less jeep with the windows down.
Me: so I’ve been a little unclear regarding everything you’ve asked me to do since Monday
Boss: Jesus
Me: let me finish. In February. 2011.
*does a bunch of math problems while doing sit ups*
*checks for abacus*
As I basted the turkey, I swear I heard it say “just not in my hair”
It’s at times like this we need to be good to ourselves:
Catch up on some sleep.
Eat your favorite foods.
Watch that boxset you’ve been putting off.
Let your kid have a beer for breakfast.
Make your dog some armor.
translated into Canadian
Don’t trust anyone that orders a Medium Pizza….
Boss: Are you high?
Me: If I was high could I do this?
B: What? You aren’t doing anything
M: sorry I’m super high. What was the question?
Sorry sir, I don’t do colonoscopies until at least the fourth date, maybe the second sometimes.
[Interview]
“Why’d you leave ur last job?”
My boss felt threatened by me
[Flashback to juggling lighters after dousing boss in gasoline]
Twitter is the new Circuit City grift 🤣
doctor: “how much exercise do you do per week?”
me: “um.. does sex count?
doctor: “yes”
me: “absolutely none”
My grandma had a lock installed on her medicine cabinet poor thing no one’s ever going to visit her again
[at the club]
*crawling around on the floor*
HAS ANYONE SEEN MY DIAMOND STUD MAGNETIC EARRING?
Walk into a random building, go to a random floor, step into a random meeting, and take a donut. Best donut you’ll ever eat.
Doctor: Do you eat plenty of fruits and vegetables?
Me: *reminiscing about eating a whole chocolate Orange*
Yes, yes I do
customer: i’ll have the barbecue chicken thighs
me: i’ll bring you the barbecue, but there’s no need for hurtful nicknames
I feel like maybe I shouldn’t have eaten that last taco 🤔
me: correct me if I’m wrong-
the internet: sir, we will correct you even if you’re right
“Sucks to suck!” My 3 yr old yelled as she ran away from me in a busy store. You see, I don’t simply have bullies, I make them.
guy: [drinking a coke]
me, hungover from a 3-day drug and alcohol-fueked bender: can’t believe he’s putting that garbage in his body
Me as student: how can I make my essay 400 word essay longer to fit this 500 word limit
Me as professor: if I cut 5,099 words, I will almost be at the 12,000 word limit
#rubbishjokes
Noah’s diary – 39th day:“The dragon pie was really scrumptious.”
We can’t afford to take our kids to a corn maze this year so we’re going to take them to an IKEA instead.