he said he adored my imperfections.
and i was like WHAT IMPERFECTIONS????
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Me: i think i’m being hunted by a great white shark
Wife: nonsense, we’re on land
*Weirdly-shaped grandfather clock i don’t remember owning exhales sigh of relief*
bella waking up at the end of breaking dawn part 1
Not saying you’re shady but there is a family of squirrels gathered around your ankles.
Told my toddler today was Father’s Day and she said “you’re welcome” if you were wondering how the current batch of Generation Z is coming along.
They stopped making ghosts just after the civil war. You’ll never see a ghost with a man bun or hitting a juul
7: are eggs vegetables?
10: no! and they’re not fruit either, they’re children!
Q: Why did the lawyer put his luggage on the table?
A: He wanted to rest his case.
My husband won’t let me pick up wood at Home Depot because he doesn’t want it scratched or bent but I can take care of his children daily.
How do chocolate labs not die of themselves?
My husband likes a hot breakfast on Sunday, so I lit his cornflakes on fire.
*husband lifts up hood of car*
H: Aimee, could you…
Me: *honks horn*
H: *jumps* Damnit Aimee, don’t…
Me: *honk*
H:
Me: *honk*
I bet Hell is sitting in front of every person you know while a slideshow of all of your deleted selfies is played on a loop.
People keep tagging a random person instead of the incoming British prime minister and she’s rolling with it lol
*sees other guys posting photos of their abs*
*posts photo of me washing dishes*
*gets hit on by every woman on the internet*
[Spelling bee]
Dad Judge: your word is “arson”
Contestant: can you use it in a sentence?
Dad Judge: You’re not arson, you’re adopted.
Me: hey did you buy ‘100 Count Tennis Balls’ from Amazon?
Wife: no
Dog: *pretending to read newspaper*
To tree roots that look remarkably like snakes:
You’re not funny.
My what?
People used to dress as monsters for Halloween. Now they dress as characters from shows you don’t watch.
Roses are red, violets are-
Guy who named red onions: Blue! Violets are definitely blue!
He just like my cat fr
Me: I have to go I’m almost at the cry doctor
Wife: you mean the eye doctor right?
Me parking at my therapists office: yeah, of course
I would describe my conference call personality as “also there”
No one likes my practical joke of licking all the spoons in their house at 3am and that’s why I need my feelings journal today
If it looks like a duck & swims like a duck & talks like an angry duck policeman, then you about to fail a sobriety test son
I accidentally confused Star Trek with Star Wars and some kid threatened to cut me with his Virgin card.
judge: how do you plead
me: *burps* excuse me
judge: you are excused
me: [running away] gottem lol
[first date]
Him: Why are you being so distant?
Me: Why didn’t you order a side of guacamole?
Kylo Ren was more powerful with his helmet on. With it off, he had to use a majority of his power to maintain his hair’s body and bounce.
How do I even know this guy is my “boss”. I’ve just been taking his word for it