Bon Jovi promising we were half way there 37 years ago is why I have trust issues
You Might Also Like
no one:
coworker at a part time job you’ve known for one calendar day: so remember when I told you about that guy I’ve been texting Brian well anyway I hooked up with his roommate just to see what he’d do and lemme just read you this text I got from him just now ok so he goes,
I’m just a girl, standing in front of a boy, blocking the tv and getting him shot on Call of Duty.
Cancer: Expect a minor shakeup at work this week when you find your boss eating what’s left of Gary.
Me: [walks up to boss] *SLAP*
Boss: WTH?!
Me: It’s Natl Bully Month
Boss: No, it’s Natl Bully PREVENTION Month!
Me: well this is awkward
Hungarian Prime Minister says his country has the largest trade deficit in Europe proving you shouldn’t go shopping when you’re Hungary.
Me: Finally! A fridge with an automatic ice dispenser! This truly is the good life!
Also me: *reaches in to grab cubes with my hand EVERY. SINGLE. TIME.*
The eliptical I want costs $500, the cheeseburger I want cost $1, you see my dilemma?
therapist: your chart says you identify as a narcissist?
me: no no, i said arsonist
therapist: ok great, I’ll correct that now
me: the best arsonist this world has ever seen
Before I met my wife I only used bar soap in the shower.
Last week I threw a tantrum like a five year old because I ran out of ocean salt scrub for my beard.
I’m just a girl standing here wishing I was as thin as my patience
“New Year, New Me” gets easier every year cause I keep setting the bar lower and lower
Review of “grandma”: slow, slow-witted, terrified of technology, can’t bench for shit, no karate, basically racist ★☆☆☆☆
Can scientists please stop calculating pi to a million decimal places and instead get working on an instant hangover cure.
always humbling that plants that survived whatever killed the dinosaurs cannot survive two weeks under my car
Maternity.
Sounds like you’re going to be pregnant forever.
Appetizer is the Latin word meaning I’m hungry now and don’t wanna wait for big food
A Doctor’s Guide on Pain Management: “What’s your pain level on a scale of 1-10?”
1 – “Why are you here?”
2
3
4 – “That’s not that bad, you can manage.”
5
6
7 – “You’re exaggerating.”
8
9
10 – “You’re lying.”
Stop acting like you’ve never seen someone with a pocket full of chicken nuggets before 🙄
Justin Bieber has found Jesus which means that Jesus is really great at a lot of things but hiding is not one of them.
Me : Well, despite the difficulties, we’ve made the best of a bad situation
Life: Yeah, I’m going to need those lemons back
At a seminar. Cannot wait to drop someone during a trust fall.
[Hardware store]
ME: I’ll take one of those giant forks.
WORKER: That’s a rake.
ME: I’m gonna eat so much spaghetti with that thing.
I say I want a gf but I don’t even know what I’d do with one. Do you just kiss her and leave her alone in a corner? How often does it eat?
this town’s getting on my nerves, gonna blow off some steam by doing a dance routine at the abandoned warehouse
I really love sarcasm.
It’s like punching people in the face but with words.
if you wear camouflage on house hunters, the houses will never see you coming
Don’t look at me like you’ve never eaten a turkey leg in the shower
snakes on a plane sequels:
– snakes on a plane yes, again somehow
– penguins on a pirate ship
– dogs on parole
– horses in a bad mood
People who carry their dogs around,
You know they can walk, right? Theyre real good at it. It’s like one of the top known things about dogs
What do you call a friend who turns a wine glass into a candle holder?
An acquaintance