You can put refrigerator magnets on your car, too. There are no rules.
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HER: Whisper in my ear
ME: [softly] We’re cursed chimpanzees stranded on a giant rock orbiting a treacherous star
My wife CLAIMS to be my best friend but she didn’t seemed all that psyched when I bragged about this girl at work I just made out with.
[God naming things with his good friend Brent]
God: Shirts, but for your legs
Brent: Pants
God: Nice. Ok what about the sound of a dog breathing
Brent: Pants
God: You’re killing it today, Brent
If you mean sleeping, then yes, I’m pretty freakin’ amazing in bed.
[Luxury hotel planning meeting]
Fluffy pillows?
Absolutely.Soft towels?
Definitely.Quality toilet paper?
Sandpaper is fine.
I’m smoking about a pack of Canadian Wildfires a day
[in car]
Wife: Dont tell ur arm story
Me: Im gonna stick to humorous stories 2nite babe
*at party*
AND THAT’S WHEN MY HUMOROUS BROKE IN HALF
If Natalie Portman dated Jacques Cousteau they would win celebrity couple nicknaming forever with “Portmanteau.”
Me: was I born with a mental disorder?
Mom: did you iron a shirt while wearing it again
Me: NO
Mom: ?
Me: I thought pants would be different
Espresso Patronum!
– Me warding off morning people
When I go to alcoholics anonymous my fitbit registers 12 steps.
I have started going to a psychiatrist about my belief that I’m an owl and I haven’t looked back since.
sheep: hey give me my jeans back
wolf: no I need them for this idiom
Me, before kids: *sees loaf of bread in middle of kitchen floor* That’s odd, I’ll pick that right up.
Me, with kids: *sees loaf of bread in middle of kitchen floor* Oh, I see it’s Tuesday.
COP: Are you drunk?
ME: um if I was drunk, could I do this?
*walks in a perfectly straight line*
COP: What the hell he just walked off a cliff
Ok… so wireless bra’s don’t have any internet connectivity, we all make mistakes, can we just move on now.
“I raised you better than that!!!!” you very obviously did not
I carry an extra fish stick behind my ear like a Marlboro.
How are birds so simultaneously beautiful and annoying as heck?!
I aspire to be birds
When humorists pole-dance it’s called a comic strip.
“I’ll help you clean.” my toddler threatened
Windows: Would like to…
⚪️ Restart
⚪️ Update and restartMe: I’d like to restart
Windows:
Yes, yes, his usual hard boiled egg cut, please.
Oh man almost forgot the trash
*takes trash out, a nice little sushi place*
This is great
*sees wife there with the recycling*
WHAT THE HELL
20s: I want to see the world!
40s: If I do all of my food shopping on Sunday I won’t have to go outside for a week.
When your wife is out of town and you accidentally tell her that you killed the baby
I made a barista at Starbucks cry when I put my name down as “Dad” and he just stood there calling it over and over
Crocodiles possess the cerebral cortex function necessary for memory. So they’ll likely be hurt if you don’t actually show up after while.
dog owners: their name is buddy
cat owners: their name is cool ranch dorito
Me to my daughter who is in the swimming pool: I have some water if you need some.
Daughter: *looks around* I have plenty. Thanks.