*professes my undying love to my microwave*
*microwave sets itself on fire*
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I think I’ll make spicy masala mixture for a curry to serve alongside some naan bread and chai tea, in other words:
spicy spicy mix mix with bread bread and tea tea
playboy: “apparently they just read it for the articles” [takes out all nude women]
every man on earth: “well this has back-fired massively”
Gonna open a store that sells old books and pasta and call it Barnes & Noodles.
her: what’s up
me: i’m just driving
her: cool where
me: in the front seat
her: no i mean what location
me: driver’s side
I’m accused of being a plagiarist. Their words, not mine.
Toddler tech support: “Did you try throwing it and crying?”
Dancing Prime Minister
Dancing Chancellor of the Exchequer
Dancing Lord Privy Seal
-ABBA explores dance vis-a-vis constitutional monarchies
[being choked to death]
Me: harder
Murderer: wait, what?
Me: again pls
Murderer: ffs, I’m out of here
QUESTIONS YOU CAN ANSWER BY PEEING ON THINGS:
1. Am I pregnant?
2. Does my boss have a very forgiving nature?
Here’s another great thing about hot tubs [pulls out a bowl of fully cooked ramen from under the water]
Me
At 18: hoping for world peace
At 48: hoping my wife laughs at the meme I show her
The lid on our bottle of glitter is not childproof. I know this now.
Me: *Walks into therapy with an iced coffee*
Therapist: You’re late again
Me: oH No HoW dOeS tHaT mAkE yOu FeEl, DeBoRaH
My husband watched me clean the entire house today, and then asked me if I had a relaxing day.
I get why the spouse is the first suspect.
I went on WebMD and I either have Covid or I’m getting my period
Find you a freak in the sheets & a librarian in the library.
Fun fact: they used acronyms back in colonial times too but DOS meant Dead of Smallpox and LMFAO meant Lost My Farm and Outbuildings
*pokes sex life with a stick
Teleportation seems like an awesome idea until Creepy Stan from down the street is suddenly washing your back in the shower.
The best thing about Twitter is that I can reveal my deepest and darkest secrets and you dumbasses think I’m joking.
[restaurant]
RACCOON (in trench coat): one egg
WAITER: one egg? *suspicious* you’re not from around here, are you?
RACCOON: t-two eggs?
WAITER: ah yes, that’s a normal quantity of eggs
RACCOON: *excitedly* five eggs!
WAITER: *eyes narrow*
Joining Twitter instead of the circus was a pretty good move considering I’m a freak but not that talented
‘Lady Doritos’ sounds like something Guy Fieri would call his wife when he’s trying to be romantic
Husband: I emptied the dishwasher.
Me: Great work, honey! Maybe you could try it again when it’s clean.
My 1-year-old already knows how to open the baby gate. She stands there, screams, and I open the gate for her.
Has this person in front of me ever used a drive thru?
– everyone
I decided to ignore idiots, now I just need to find something to do with all this spare time.
Now she’s falling asleep, and I’m calling a crab.
“Robots are going to take your job” yeah ok have you ever watched a roomba for even five seconds
Guys in motorcycle clubs should have to go door to door like Mormon missionaries.
I don’t really wanna join but I’d like to be asked