A room full of people: ⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀ ⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀ ⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀ ⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀
My stomach: *SHRIEKS IN AUTOBOT*
You Might Also Like
Alexa, take down my Christmas decorations.
“Have you accepted Jesus Christ as your Lord & Savior?”
“No.”
“Why not, sir?”
“Because, it would make my rabbi sad.”
Waits for the worst possible time to tell you that they have to pee…
~Kids
This gum has my stomach convinced food is coming.
I basically have three hairstyles.
1. Straight
2. Wavy
3. Homeless
[IKEA meatball recipe]
1/2 lb ground beef
1/2 cup cream
1 small onion finely chopped
4 allen wrenches
20 minute argument
2 tbsp butter
lingonberry or some shit
you’re doing it wrong
salt to taste
just let me do it
Craving that feeling of immediate regret? Invite someone to your house. Works for me
Crap, I hate good-bye kisses. I think that I may have used too much tongue with my mother-in-law.
Wife: I find him very patronising.
Me: That means she thinks I talk down to her.
Marriage counsellor: I don’t normally take sides but you should leave him.
Wife: What’s with the bug spray?
Me: I can’t stand the little bloodsuckers.
Wife: You’re a vampire.
Me: I DON’T MAKE PEOPLE ITCHY, KAREN!
“Kids! Come say goodbye to your father!”
-Me, when my husband has a cold.
I’m over here watching #Dateline alone, with all the doors unlocked, lighting up the room.
If I ever meet Morgan Freeman:
Wanna just come back to my place and sit at the end of my bed and tell me a bedtime story?
Please. nobody has to know.
First date the man should pick up the bill. In the absence of a bill look for William instead.
Me: I want to be a part of the Avengers.
Nick Fury: What special powers do you have?
Me: *buys popcorn and doesn’t start eating them until the movie starts*
Nick Fury: Holy shit!
I think those 5G masts are emitting invisible waves that make people more susceptible to conspiracy theories.
I hate saying “I told you so” so I’m just going to spray-paint it on your car.
Welcome to your 40s. When you’re hungry your stomach sounds like a storm coming in.
WIFE: This is dumb.
DAUGHTER: This is so stupid.
ME: This is getting out of hand!
THIS: [leaping out of my palm] I HATE YOU GUYS I’M LEAVING
Me: I gotta find a purpose in life.
Later:
Blowing a feather trying to keep it in air
I can see the appeal of being a nudest everytime I do laundry
My editor dislikes my use of contractions but it’s what it’s
The automatic toilet flusher is taking away your rights!
I will never have to admit to a mistake at work when I can blame the last person who quit
I’m starting to think some of these Marvel movies might be made up.
[3am]
WIFE: *nudging my shoulder* I can’t sleep, do you wanna…
ME: *suddenly awake*
WIFE: …teach me calculus?
ME: We begin, as we must, with the concept of a derivative
I need to be locked up… in an ice cream factory.
Jane: I miss England
Tarzan: Me not know you do beauty pageant
[whispering to coworker who liked my status about having to put my dog down but never commented] so you like dead dogs do ya meghan?