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Please doctor, my flabber,,, it is so ghasted,,,
That awkward moment when I give a guy a fake phone number and he tries to call it in front of me.. #OhShiiiit
“Crunchy” peanut butter is just peanut butter that gave up in the process.
Don’t be like crunchy peanut butter.
After I mow my lawn, I give my neighbor about 72 hours to respond.
“You couldn’t handle me at my worst”
OMG, you mean this isn’t it.
And that’s how the fight started.
[at restaurant trying not to let anyone know I’m a koala]
Waiter: “what can I get u?”
“do u have any eucalyptus?”
*restaurant goes quiet*
Strangers pay me a lot of money to give them advice but let me try and tell my teenager one single thing and it’s an automatic, “You don’t know anything.”
If it’s the thought that counts, I’m a serial killer
Me: does it bother you that there are 52 full-sized teeth hiding in the baby’s head?
Her: well it does now
BUILDING INSPECTOR: This building is not structurally sound
ARCHITECT: why
BUILDING INSPECTOR: Well first of all it’s made of paper
ARCHITECT: Yeah construction paper!
Gonna spend the day staring at the Sun. Eclipse practice.
Friend 1: If I ever get married again, it’s going to be for love.
Friend 2: Well if I ever get married again, it’s going to be for money.
Me: If I ever get married again, it’s because I’m an idiot.
[first date]
Her: I’m really into literature.
Me: I love crime and punishment.
Her: Yes! Incredible book, right?
Me: … book?
“Oh shit I murdered someone”
“You should turn yourself into the police”
“Great idea!” *puts on badge and hat* “Looks like a suicide to me”
I’ve not watched The Traitors and to be honest it’s not as good as not watching Love Island
No, Twitter trending topics, I don’t want to hear about double mutant ninja COVID.
grocery shopping while hungry feels like online shopping while drunk
Me: Would you have a minute to speak about my lord and savior, nachos supreme?
Her: Sir, for the last time just tell me your order.
Walked into the bathroom and it sounded like someone was powerlifting in one of the stalls. That, or an exorcism.
I miss the days of Agatha Christie when rich people only murdered each other.
Your Joke Is Factually Incorrect – A Guide to Dying Alone.
*Googles: How to fake your own death and erase existence before 9am monday morning.
The only time I’ll care about Basketball:
God making jellyfish: Let’s make this amazingly colored umbrella-shaped bell with trailing tentacles that glow in the dark
Jellyfish: But why am I not shaped like a star? The starfish looks so much cooler.
God: And we’ll name it jelly
[giving wedding toast for my cousin]
…and she’s like the cool, pretty sister I always wished I‘d had—
My actual sister also attending the wedding: HEY.
Me in 2022: when will my child talk
My child in 2024: WELL MOMMY DO YOU WANT TO KNOW WHAT I AM FINKING NOW? I AM FINKING ABOUT MR. WOGERS WENT TO THE ZOO AND SAW A PANDA. IT IS DARK. MOMMY WE SHOULD GET A WANTERN FOR OUR PORCH. AND A VERY SHORT STORY IS ONCE UPON A TIME THE END
Me: you know how in movies someone is yelling at someone else and the sexuality of the exchange overtakes them and they start making out
Wife: yes why
Me: my boss fired me today
[Swims out to Sea]
*sees shark*
OH NO!
*dolphins save me*
Thanks dolphins!
*dolphins ask for a tip
[I’m broke]
*they return me to the shark*
ME [explaining Daylight Savings Time]: yeah, you can just do crimes. that entire hour DOES NOT count. legally speaking
[first time at a rave]
These M&Ms make my hair follicles feel weird