“How can I waste ten seconds of someone’s time and make total strangers hate me?”
– Credit card chip inventor
– Me, writing tweets
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“I don’t want to make a spectacle…”
Eye glass manufacturers last day on the job.
ME: *passing out little top hats* And this one’s for you. And this one’s for you
ZOOKEEPER: Sir, get out of the penguin enclosure
ME: Lol no
[onboard the titanic sinking] oh no i just ate
babe is everything okay? you’ve barely touched your pile of hundreds of elaborate projects you start but never finish
I cannot remain silent any longer. It hurts my feelings when Wordle hits me with the “phew” when I get it on the last try.
ME: A bag of my favorite peanuts has gone missing.
LIAM NEESON: How did you get this number?
I don’t really hate you, it’s just that if you were on fire, I’d roast marshmallows..
It’s okay, everyone. I know my 3yo’s screams sound like his leg was run over by a lawn mower, but he’s just got some fuzz stuck to his thumb
people talk about being able to fold a fitted sheet and I’m like wow there are people who make their bed
This older woman on this flight next to me just pulled out her knitting so I pulled out my knitting and started talking to her about it and she could not have been less interested. She’s now wearing earplugs. Not even headphones to listen to music. Earplugs.
robber: gimme your money
me: don’t hurt me i take care of my declining parents
my dad: [from inside the car] don’t believe his lies
Your resume just says “falconer”
“And?”
Well, this is a bank
*falcon starts break-dancing*
“Not yet Tyler, wait until he offers us the job”
Ah, summer break. When I leave for work my teenagers are sleeping and when I get home from work, my teenagers are sleeping.
If u want to sound smart just make up coding languages. Like “yeah I know DeltaCube, 17v and Amorph,” literally nobody will know theyre fake
Why eat high-calorie yogurt when you can just have ice cream for breakfast instead?
Boss: Can I speak to you about your recent insubordination?
Me: I don’t know, CAN you?
*High-fives high school English teacher*
In high school I was voted “I’m not really sure who that guy is”.
Shouldn’t Alien vs. Predator just be called Alien vs. Alien?
6: I say “yes ma’am” and “no ma’am” to my teacher
Me: You sure didn’t learn those great manners from me. Where’d you learn that?
6: Chick-fil-A
Waiter: would you like a little quiche before your main sir?
Me: ok, but no tongue
If my coworker doesn’t stop asking questions on this Zoom meeting I will drive across town and slap his face on the call.
Them: if lemonade has real lemons in it, do you think gatorade has actual gators in it?
Me: *drinking poisonade* oh shit
can’t wait to fulfill my lifelong dream of going to japan and buying a samurai sword out of a vending machine
Plot twist. When giving birth, women can finally understand how it feels like for a man to have a headache.
Me: I’ll cook breakfast
Wife: Whatcha making?
M: Poached eggs on brioche with pancetta & hollandaise
W: REALLY?
M: No. One Pop Tart or two?
*at skatepark with my 7yr old nephew*
Random Mom: Cute kid!
Me: Oh thank u so much
Random Mom: Who’s the dad?
Me: My brother
Random Mom: *weird look**hours later*
Me: oh SHIT
I had my year-end evaluation and it went like “You have great substantive legal skills, but you don’t come into the office enough and you don’t attend social events and you don’t regularly answer emails on weekends.” Yes, precisely.
After staying home with the kids, my first day back to work was going great until I peed with the door open yelling SHARE!
*sticks hand into jean pocket*
Aw damn, why in the hell do I have bbq sauce in my pocket?
*checks other pocket and finds nuggets*
Oh, ok.