NO ONE SAVES MILK YOU MORON
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I’m starting to think that this $49.95 “Landmarks of Europe Tour” might be bullshit.
Mirena IUD Commercial on Hulu: “If you can’t keep a plant alive, you definitely aren’t ready to have a baby.”
Me to my kids sitting in the room WHO KNOW THEIR MOM KILLED A CACTUS ONCE: “Welp. This is awkward.”
Eating a block of cheese is probably the most delicious way to figure out it’s time to get some groceries.
Parenting Tip:
Replace the word “nightmare” with “adventure”.
“This common core homework is an adventure for us both!”
“Grandma made us asparagus quiche so we can try an adventure meal!”
“Your endless harmonica practicing will haunt my deepest adventures.”
Cheers Twitter.
The umbrella was going to be called brella, but the inventor hesitated.
Looking to sell my DeLorean. Great shape, low mileage. Only driven from time to time
*Daycare drop off*
4yo: *very loudly* Mommy you have a watermelon belly. *pats my belly* Yup, that just what a watermelon sounds like.
Me: Bed time
Hotel room: Good luck turning the lights off
Me: Easy. This one
Hotel: No. Bed light
Me: This one?
Hotel: Desk light
Me: This one?
Hotel: LOL You just turned on the curtain lights
Me: WTF? And that light in the wardrobe?
Hotel: 2400lux stadium lighting
Alarm: wake up
Interviewer: can you tell me about a time when you succeeded?
Me: (nods and looks out the window contemplatively) no
I want to open a pizza shop called “Cheesus Crust!” Our slogan will be: “Heavenly ingredients, served hot as Hell.” -or- “Crust has risen.”
I changed my hubby’s name and pic to the Easter Bunny in my phone so my kid can text “him”
I freaked out later when EB was calling me.
Mensa should be contacting me any day now.
Found my door mat
When I die, please bury me wrapped in a sheet. That way I won’t have to look for one when I become a ghost
[being beat down with health, family, work issues]
Me: I will remain positive at all times
[my bagel sandwich falls on the floor]
Me: I am going to fire God
[on a date]
HER: any accomplishments?
ME: yeah, i’m an award winning [eyes darting around] award winning [sees a dog] dog… liker
HER: awww
I love how we have a big tv so my 3 kids can crowd around the tiny iPad and argue over not being able to see.
I feel like Trump and Hillary are two divorced parents fighting over custody of us but we kinda just wanna go live with grandma.
You strike me as one of those people who show up and debunk all the fun in the last 2 minutes of an otherwise scintillating UFO TV program.
My kids act like they’re afraid of monsters, when they are literally the most terrifying creatures I’ve ever met.
I asked the barista for a dark roast and he told a joke about my dead relative.
when i was 12 i read lingerie like it’s spelled and everyone started laughing and they were like “haha LINGERIE? it’s *lauwnzhoureigh” and i was like ?? how am i the idiot in this situation? sorry i actually know how to read. sorry i don’t just make up sounds when i see letters.
Some people exercise every day.
I’m trying to teach my self-cleaning oven to do the rest of the house.
There’s nothing church people love more than getting teenagers and young adults to move all the chairs
INFORMER!!!
Younosaydahdfrxqpgirnmekdmhgjwrztnhyenixblaamm…
A LICKY BOOM BOOM DOWN!
Idea: Eels. Exactly the same storyline as Cats but they’re all eels.
I’m sorry I slapped you but you didn’t seem like you would ever stop talking and I panicked.
me: *holding bowling ball*
friend: going bowling?
me: nope— playing enormous marbles
People are like plastic bags: Some are meant to fly, some have holes — but are still useful — and, well, others are full of dog shit.
It’s so weird to call it the “mall”. In Scotland we are very creative, we call one store a “shop” and many stores “the shops”.