Sex at 20: yes baby rearrange my guts
Sex at 40: be careful my gut is still a little bloated from all those bread sticks
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4yo: Raise your hand if you are young
Me: *raises hand
4yo: No, daddy, not you.
[making out in a club]
her: wanna go to the bathroom?
me: no I’ve just been thanks
Are you turned on?
Switch I might be!
[Cave, present day]
Archeologist [Finding a cave painting]
Wow! This is incredible![Cave, thousands of years ago]
Caveman [Finding paint smeared on wall]
What the…KIIIIIIIDDDDS!
I’m so cultured I’m practically yogurt.
My husband got our kids to clean their rooms by promising them they could watch him play video games so basically all I need to do to get my kids to eagerly do their chores is become good at Fortnite. Cool
Man down! Send in back up!
*wife comes rushing in the room*
“What happened?!”
*i dip another chip in the salsa to rescue the broken chip*
“What’s it like having a two year old boy?”
*throws a toy car at his face*
Like that.
Me: this pot sucks
Wife: *surrendering any remaining hope of future joy* no the other kind of pot roast
What i said : I really like this song
What i meant : Shut your face for the next few minutes
*points at your toddler
So does it know any tricks yet?
Why did the belt get arrested?
He held up pants.Please don’t block me.
Yes, yes, his usual hard boiled egg cut, please.
i think both sides are to blame here
Hike up your waders, it’s time for our village’s annual gravy harvest
I’m “Since when did it become unacceptable for your socks to show” years old.
Me: I know panty hose are a little dated but I love how they even out my skin tone
Bank Teller: So is this not a robbery?
Me: No, It is
As someone who lost his pet worm at a RFK Jr event last year this is the worst day of my life
Skeleton: I’m you from the future
Me: how long?
Skeleton: 2 months
Me: are you here to warn me?
Skeleton: no you’re already screwed, just drink more milk for me
saying “we won” after watching a sports game is like saying “we played really well” after watching a concert
*flagging down passing pizza delivery vehicle*
I’LL PAY YOU TWICE WHAT THEY WERE GOING TO PAY YOU
If I’m gonna pay $300 for a name brand purse it better come with a mini fridge, steaks, and a new tv
My daughter is at that age where she’s starting to get bouquets of flowers from boys. I’m at that age where the next time I get flowers, it will be at my funeral.
Me: “Listen, whatever they’ve offered you to kill me, I’ll double it.”
Them: “All they offered was the experience and exposure.”
Me: “…oh no. The influencer mafia.”
Welcome back to school kids. Please form an orderly line.
If you don’t already have a highly contagious virus, one will be assigned to you.
Titanic (1997)
A woman cheats on her rich fiancé with a homeless guy & then throws a giant diamond into the ocean like a big stupid dummy.
[Bethsaida 28 AD]
BAKER: Such a huge crowd…I’m gonna sell so many loaves
“Five loaves please”
BAKER: Huh?
“Jesus is here”
BAKER: Sonuva
STEWARDESS: Does anyone know how to defuse a bomb?
PERSON WHO DOESN’T FLINCH OPENING A CAN OF CRESCENT ROLLS: Right here.
At least we don’t have to wear pants anymore.
Apparently on Facebook you can “like” that someone “liked” something. I just liked the movie “Inception”, and now we wait.