This day in history. 1976. 80-year-old choreographer Busby Berkeley died tragically when he wandered absently into a circle of high kicking showgirls.
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When zombies find campers in sleeping bags, I bet they think “mmm, people burritos.”
*3 running a brush through my hair*
3: I’m making your hair pretty
Me: Thank you
3: instead of so ugly
Me:
You guys remember back before Google when we would just sit around and wonder about shit ….?
pirate: shiver me timbers
me: *crochets a tiny sweater for his peg leg*
I hate being woken up so if you find me sleeping, let me rest. If you can’t follow that simple rule, next time just hire another pilot.
Me: Which is closer, the moon or California?
Granddaughter: The moon. I can’t see California from here.
The two places we often associate with the word ‘committed’ are in reference to insane asylums, and murder.
No surprise that a third place is with relationships.
Went for a 4 mile run this morning. Now everything hurts… even my eyelashes.
[Sci fi movie]
How did you travel such a distance so fast?
“I went through a wormhole.”Worms in the audience: Omg this is so unrealistic.
You realize kids in other countries make Air Jordan’s and iPhones right?
-Me responding poorly to my kid’s homemade Father’s Day gifts.
person is typing person is typing person is typing person is typing person is typing person is typing person is typing person: hi
Me: The house is clean!
Kid: Hold my juice box!
Just realized all my tweets are about my genitals . Time to change the subject.
Do you believe in aliens ?
If so , do they have genitals?
So narcissistic, I crush on my alt.
I’m not sure where you ladies go to learn how to argue, but that place is good
Me: What is wrong with me?
Brain: You don’t listen, you’re lazy, zero etiquette, you’re broke with no ambition AND you have weird thoughts that you act out like a play.
Me: Sry, you lost me at “I don’t listen”.
There are only certain men who can pull off a mustache. The ones with removable mustaches.
7-year-old: What’s your favorite color?
Me: I don’t know.
7: I thought you went to college.
Missing someone and wanna meet them? Just wear the worst clothes you own and go to the supermarket. They’ll run into you.
Wife: Silent
Me: What’s wrong?
Wife: Nothing
Me: Grabs shield and sword
Me: But the sign says ‘no shirt, no shoes, no service’
Clerk: Pants are implied
[police station]
LIEUTENANT: do you have an alibi for the night of the murders
SAILOR: i was a hundred feet below sea level in a submarine
SERGEANT: dammit boss that’s airtight
Amazon review of the Solar System
⭐☆☆☆☆
“Only one star”
i couldn’t remember the word “counting” so i told my friend to “do the number alphabet.”
Tsunamis are caused by dolphins breakdancing to celebrate passing another IQ test.
Trump, 2 years into his presidency: “What do you mean we can’t just file for bankruptcy?”
A guy just walked past with fries and said “fries?” and I was like “cool thanks!” and took three and then he was like “no, I work here, did you order the fries?”. I did not order the fries.
me: I’d like one mcdouble please
employee: sir, this is a Burger King
me: ok one mcdouble please, ur majesty
Reasonable mental health and a good relationship with his mother? I can’t work under these conditions