[meeting at the headquarters of literally any app]
good morning everyone, let’s get started. the first and only item on our agenda is, how do we make this app worse
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ME: need help?
GIRL (having car trouble): could u give me a jump
ME: *inflating the bounce house I keep in my trunk* I thought u’d never ask
“Let’s go round and introduce ourselves”
#SixWordHorror
The early 2000s
My friends: I met a boy in a chat room, he was so cool
Me: *having just roleplayed a sword wielding, scarred half elf in a tavern chat room* yes I also very boys
Me: I can’t wait until my kid is grown up and independant.
Also me, an adult: Hi mom. What’s my dentist’s name again?
IT’S CHRISTMAS EVE, NOT CHRISTMAS STEVE!!
[inventing napkin dispenser]
bob: it has two settings
ceo: ok
bob: one at a time
ceo: ok
bob: or 37 at a time
ceo: first of all i love it
you: weird flex but ok
an intellectual: odd gloat but understandable nonetheless
me, a genius: peculiar boast but alas
Yoga Instructor: This is Warrior pose
Me:*Sitting down, eating a cheeseburger
YI:
Me:*chewing
I’m a Warrior who just slayed a McDonaldite
At the rate at which my kid’s school asks for money, they must think I won the lottery.
Quit my job a few years ago because my boss was an idiot. Now I’m self-employed. My boss is still an idiot.
Duolingo is the only app I have where I can safely avoid Succession spoilers
ME: Excuse me…Where’s the rowing boat equipment?
EMPLOYEE: Keep going down there, Oar Aisle.
ME:
EMPLOYEE:
ME:
EMPLOYEE:
ME: Or you’ll what?
I have two goals today. Breathe (nailing it) and shower (wish me luck).
well, my kid accomplished at least one of the two reminders she gave Alexa last night
me: *fixing something*
him: that’s not broken
me: well, it is now
You don’t need to put “liquid” in front of “diarrhea”. We get it.
It took me 20 minutes and a terribly bruised wrist to realize that this slap bracelet is actually a ruler.
Ladies, lemme assure you.. I’m not trying to get into your pants. I can barely get into my own pants at this point.
What does it mean when your therapist throws up into the trash can, not once, but twice during your session?
I like to walk up to strangers and ask, “Would you take a photo of me?” If they say yes I hand them a photo of me and walk away.
[First Day As A Director]
Me: [forgot how to end a scene] *tackles the cameraman*
What kind of monster makes ultrathin cheese slices?
boss: u should’ve been here at 9
me: why what happened at 9
if i die from eating a tide pod, please bury me in the traditional fashion:
warm/cold water
15 mins extra soak
permanent press cottons
[Hydra command meeting]
Red Skull: Cut off one head, TWO MORE SHALL TAKE ITS PLACE!
Me, an intellectual: I feel like we’d be doing a lot better if we just grew two more without waiting for one to be cut off.
The creepiest thing about spiders is their sexual attraction to spiders.
Kid: Have you seen the pine cone bird feeder I made?
Me: *picking seeds out from between my teeth* BIRD feeder?
Mummies are just super modest zombies
Eggs benadryl my favourite