If anyone ever needs you to explain the difference between Americans and Brits, just send them this.
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My dogs would be happier if I spent more time walking them and less time folding their ears inside out.
MOB BOSS: It has come to my attention that within this very room, we have a SNITCH
HARRY POTTER: Oh hell yeah I’ll get it
sometimes my cat will figure out i’m gearing up to leave the house and block the door just before i go to leave, yelling and rolling around, but she never does it when i’m trying to leave for work which tells me one thing: capitalism got her too
Just finished leg day with my new trainer and now I need to replace the stairs in my house with an elevator. Or shower in the kitchen sink?
i used to think i was final girl material, but i’m actually the one who’s killed while frantically searching for her glasses
[Home invasion]
Me: isn’t there anything ELSE you want to take?
Burglar: lady I told you I’m married
“where am i bro?”
THIS IS SPARTA
“thanks. cute puppy bro”
THIS IS MUFFINS
When I lose my keys people tell me to retrace my steps but they really should just say go check in the refrigerator.
Apparently a ‘Defibrillator’ doesn’t make someone tell the truth
*lady shares a wallet photo of her son*
*i pull out a 20-part accordion wallet photo set of my dogs*
why you guys always think you were some cool person in your past life and not a fly that lived for like 24 hours, settle down
just mowed the backyard
[idiot mocking voice] “but deg what will u do this weekend?”
hell, the way it grows i’ll be able to mow sunday idiot
[at a dive bar]
Friend: Look, I know you’re disappointed, but we should at least have one drink.
Me: *wearing flippers, a wetsuit and a snorkle* I’d like to leave, please.
I wouldn’t have to stash these leftovers in my bra if this dress had pockets
I had no idea we were still brushing our teeth.
Transition lenses that keep getting darker the longer someone is talking to you.
No one:
Cats: When they say “get off” ignore them, we’re cats.
a squirt gun filled with tuna water would be a pretty devastating weapon
For the baby who has everything
favorite tropes as memes
Trainer: Diet to hit your goal weight.
Me: Then what?
Trainer: Diet forever to maintain it.
Me: *heading to Pizza Hut* Nvm.
Me: did you throw these rocks in my pool?
3yr old son: nope. Maybe they fell out of a rock tree.
Me: ok.
[Family game night]
Grandma: what are the rules?
Me: omg for the last time, we spin the chamber and take turns shooting ourselves in the head
The five stages of camping:
1- Denial: “No, we’re not going”
2- Anger: “I hate camping!”
3- Bargaining: “If we stay home I’ll cook waffles”
4- Depression: “Fine. Whatever”
5- Acceptance: “This isn’t so bad. I don’t know why you were complaining”
“3 FOR 1 TACOS, TODAY ONLY” I shout into the megaphone. the crowd watches with bated breath.
“I’m coming down,” the man on the ledge shouts
It’s so cold that the local flasher was caught *describing* himself
to women.
him: you’re not like other girls
me, at the urinal next to him: how
Ke$ha in different currencies:
Ke£ha,
Ke€ha,
Ke¥ha.
Lucky she chose USD… British KePoundHa or Vietnamese KeDongHa might sound a bit odd
Thanksgiving is going to be hard this year because half my family dances to remember and the other half dances to forget.
Me: did I pass?
Driving instructor: *swimming away* no