Got a text from an unknown number that said “I’m on my way,” so I’m tweeting this from the closet.
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“DADDY THERE’S A MONSTER UNDER MY BED”
[me opening bedroom window]
Wife: What are you doing?
Me: *climbing out* ARE YOU COMING OR NOT?
I love the Yakuza games. I wish Japan was real.
Since they won’t vote anyway, Obama should make the GOP look bad by nominating a bald eagle holding a picture of Jesus to the Supreme Court.
Did I say feelings? I meant uhhh sandwiches. I have sandwiches for you.
Do people with insomnia know about Coldplay?
Job interview
HR: What’s your best asset?
Me: I have an excellent memory.
HR: Give me an example.
Me: Of what?
Somebody better tell me what extortion means or I am going to start breaking kneecaps
Tit for tat is just exchanging one palindrome for another, much dirtier, palindrome.
There’s no “us” in nachos.
Things were getting kinda boring so thought it’d be fun to spice things up a bit!
– my 3yo, peeing everywhere except the toilet (after months of no accidents)
Math teacher; suppose you have five friends
Me:
[me as a DJ]
Where my single ladies at?
*drunk responses*
This one’s for you
*turns off music, serious tone*
This is a bad place to meet men
If Miley Cyrus really wanted to shock us at the VMAs, she’d show up in a burka covered in a snowsuit and slowly add more clothing each hour.
I confessed to my 14 year old that for the last 3 months I’ve been putting supermarket own ketchup in a Heinz ketchup bottle and he’s been happily eating it without noticing. Shit is going to go down.
I love drinking games…. except the one where you have to try to walk a straight line while saying the ABCs backwards
Isn’t it ironic that all of Alanis Morissette’s friends knew her song had nothing to do with irony but, being Canadian, were too polite to tell her.
I hate when people use words without knowing the meaning…gives me a huge hysterectomy on the side of my head.
One time I hung out with a dudes friend so my hot friend could flirt with the dude and long story short I made him cry after he said that he got “stuck with me”.
Her: Stop being so territorial.
Me: *peeing a circle around her* I have no idea what you mean.
If “she’ll be riding six white horses when she comes”, she’s probably a little more woman than I can handle.
throwin a party tonight
goths $5
furries $5raccoons $10 since y’all wanna be both
Regrettably, we are forced to raise the price of our products and services due to the reason that we want to
Operator: what’s your emergency
Me: my fridge fell on me
Operator: is anything broken
Me: some eggs maybe
Every time I see a dude in a trench coat i assume he’s going to flash me. When it doesn’t happen, I assume he’s just a spy
‘Keanu Can Canoe, Can You?’ – instructional video in which actor Keanu Reeves teaches people how to use a canoe.
You didn’t let me know you got home safely so you better at least be injured or I’m gonna be pissed.
Good news, managed to put the clock forward on the oven.
Bad news, think I’ve got a gas leak now.
Dear commercial pitching me how much my funeral will cost,
It’s not going to cost ME anything.
Yah I ordered a large pizza but it’s thin crust/ light cheese so basically it’s a salad .