12th Law of Nature: If an adult attempts to nap during the day, an equal and opposite adult will turn on a lawn mower.
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🎶Row, row, Robocop
Gently down the stream
Directive one: Uphold the law
I am part machine🎶
I bet homophobic guys get reincarnated into condoms.
God: you’re a decapod.
Crab: what does that mean?
God: it means you have 10 legs.
Crab: b-but that’s too many legs.
God: at least you don’t have a hundred.
Crab: why would someone have a hundred legs?
Centipede: yes God why would someone have a hundred legs?
When a woman says “WHAT did you just say?” say something different.
I swear the Butterfly effect has seriously gone out of control this year.
call me an overworked optometrist the way eye care too much
Teamwork is essential, it allows you to blame someone else.
EMT: *uses defibrillator* Okay we got him back
Dad: I was just resting my eyes
ME [8:49PM]: on my way, taking a crab
GF [8:50PM]: u mean a cab
ME [8:52PM]: not exactly. be there in several days
[taking FRIENDS quiz]
7. Which character do you most identify with?
Ross
8. Which is your least favorite character?
Ross
This is a fact based meme 😏😂
Dear autocorrect,
I’ve never had a “hard duck” in my life.
Quit your shit.
1997: *waits 5 minutes for dial-up internet connection*
2017: MY CAR’S VOICE DOES NOT PLEASE ME
If you’re planning a family vacation to a destination that has beautiful ocean views and is kid friendly, make sure you don’t.
Scarecrow: why aren’t u scared of me?
Batman: why would…wait. do u think I’m a crow?
SC: ur not a crow?
BM: *hurt* No *quietly* I’m a bat
I ate a kids meal at Wendy’s
his mom was furious
When witches and warlocks correspond about their carnal passions, they’re hexting
Life’s not about waiting for the storm to pass, it’s about learning how to Riverdance around a broken bottle of olive oil in aisle 6.
*getting murdered*
“When you’re done could you lay me on my back so my tummy flattens out?”
when a bird is walking around on its little bird legs. it’s mocking you. it’s saying this is you. this is what you look like.
[inventing that little handle inside the car]
engineer: what if there was a way for the driver’s mother to wordlessly express her mortal terror?
Omg, I love where this is going.
~Me hearing a good recipe.
When I’m drafting a legal document, I’ll sprinkle the word “herein” all over that shit like it’s paprika.
COP: License and registration please.
ME: *hands him $30 in Kohl’s cash*
COP: What do you think you’re doing?
ME: *slides him 20% Bed Bath & Beyond coupon*
COP: Have a good night.
Who called it Thanksgiving and not the Nightmare before Christmas?
I’m not one to kink shame but I just found out my boyfriend has a new fetish for sleeping with other women.
Pro tip…Excessive use of alcohol can cause memory loss or worse memory loss.
I don’t want kids for the simple reason that math has changed and I won’t be able to help with their homework
A guy in California is marrying his cat making me realize there was a much cheaper way to be ignored and occasionally scratched.
My sister’s credit card information was stolen, so being a good sister, I called to see how she was doing and tell her what I purchased at Bloomingdales.