I got into a fight with 1, 3, 5, 7, and 9.
The odds were against me.
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I wrote ‘WILL YOU MARRY ME?’ on a balloon. However, before I could propose…
-I popped the question
I don’t know what the 5 love languages are but one of them better have peanut butter inside
There’s no graceful way to shove a chocolate truffle in your mouth during an important Zoom meeting.
The best place to get pumpkins cheap is driving around the neighborhood at 4AM. Got 5 nice ones this morning.
I couldn’t take Breaking Bad seriously bc Walter White looked like Ned Flanders.
My 4-year-old, while sharing a space with other people, has been exclaiming with a sigh that he’s ALL ALONE, and I keep thinking, “Damn, kids these days are getting to work early on their existential crises.”
coworker: you’re 37? you look younger
me: i let a demon possess me in exchange for external youth
coworker: ha ha *leaves*
demon inside me: you gotta stop saying that someone’s gonna believe you
me: meh. i’m going to the break room for a donut
demon: ooo get a maple bar
4 out of 5 dentists agree u should not be going to 5 diferent dentists. it is important to have one dentist who knows ur dental history
If you add up everyone murdered in BBC crime dramas, there are actually only 40 people still living in the UK
Why call it income when it outgo from bank account so fast?
Since retiring, my favorite time to get ready to leave the house is eventually.
It should be: “COVID-19 declared a pandemic by WHOM.”
How to lose weight:
1. Name your kid Weight
2. Take it to the mall
Why run with scissors when you can run with bananas which are far less dangerous and also tasty snacks.
Me: It’s been a while since we’ve had to take one of the kids to the ER.
Trampoline: Hold my beer.
I hate it when I’m digging my own grave at gunpoint and I discover buried treasure.
If opposites truly attract, the correct life strategy is to be a loser
I wonder if Batman ever saw the Batsignal and thought ‘I’ve literally just sat down.”
him: Hey what’s the name of the guy who lives two houses down?
me: his dogs names are Walter and Rose
him: that’s not what I asked
me: that is the information I have
VILLIAN: all this money is mine
BANK TELLER: help us Velcroman, he’s getting away
VELCROMAN: *stuck to the floor* who puts carpet in a bank?
A banana republic is just a regular republic that’s happy to see you.
Getting worms from eating raw cookie dough was a lie made up by Cookie Monster so he could get more cookies
Snooki, but without the orange tan and poofy hair. And she’s in charge of North Korea.
Accidentally got melted butter on some fried chicken and this is my delicious origin story.
Me: *runs into burning house*
Lady: Everyone is out of the house already!
Me: *comes back out eating their cheese*
When I travel I just throw my clothes in a suitcase because I know as an Arab they will search me at the airport and fold my clothes neatly.
Wow, it’s a beautiful day outside. I should probably do something.
*closes the blinds so there isn’t a glare on my screen*~ Developers
I had to use my 12 year old son’s AXE bodywash this morning because we were out of soap and when I got to work my boss took one whiff and asked if I rode my skateboard.
Cat 911: What’s your emergency?
Cat: I knocked everything off the tables now I’m scared!
Cat 911: Seriously?
Cat: No, LOL!
Cat 911: LOL!
Some BODY once told me
Your plums
were in the icebox
Forgive me
for this breakfast disgraceI was looking kinda dumb
with a plate
all full of plums
so sweet
so cold
and stuffed in my face