I never learned how to flirt, I just roast the hell out of guys until they stop talking to me
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not reading the comments on ads is a crime tbh
Fellas, stop putting rings in our food and let us eat our Crème Brûlée in peace.
cicadas cotton eyed joe
🤝
where did they come from?
where did they go????
In India, Twitter crush is choosen by your parents.
Me *rings 911* help me I’m dying!
Oompa Loompa: oh I have a fun song I can sing
Flex on your toddler when they piss you off by asking them what sound a giraffe makes
friend: have u accepted jesus christ as yr savior so u can be allowed into the kingdom of heaven?
me: who all going?
I could host an elegant dinner party, but I don’t know enough people with simmering tension over long-held secrets to make it worthwhile.
I answer with an automatic “Yes” each time my mom says “Oh, have I told you…?” I could miss out on something good but chances are slim.
Watching my kid pick his nose is disgusting. He wipes the boogers on his shirt instead of the closest cat like a normal person.
Me: *squirting air bubbles into the sea monkey tank
7: I didn’t know those things were still alive.
M: That’s why you don’t have a dog.
customer: i would like to buy a hotdog with sauerkraut
me: sorry, we only accept cash
manager: can i talk to you
Today, I realized that I am half-centaur.
If you ever get drugged by someone and they steal an organ, just check Craigslist.
That’s probably where I’m selling it at.
my dentist called to tell me they overcharged me by $150 on my last visit which was cool at first but then i remembered that i only paid $130 for that visit and now i’m like, damn, how bad did they **** up my teeth that they were somehow supposed to owe me $20?
Me: I know we agreed that you’d stay home but… things are tight right now, and I really need you to get a job
My Dog:
Sorry I armed a group of theoretical physicists with Sharpies and set them loose in your glass pane warehouse
“astrology isn’t real” bro we’re on a spinning rock and we have to pay for water. nothing is “real”.
“Hashtag.” #ReplaceAOneWordMovieTitleWithTheWordHashtag
When a black guy pulls a knife on me on the subway I remind him he doesn’t have to feed into racial stereotypes. Then I usually get stabbed.
*wearing five finger condoms on both hands* ok time for some safe sexting
We like knowing who the fastest person on earth is.
We don’t know why, or how this information will be useful, but we like to know it all the same.
Amish sext: I’m wearing that drab, full length nightgown that you bought for me at Ezekiel’s Secret.
*Walking with wife listening to Dust In The Wind*
Me: This is our song.
*A dude walks by listening to it*
Me: That’s OUR song! GIVE IT BACK!
Guys in motorcycle clubs should have to go door to door like Mormon missionaries.
I don’t really wanna join but I’d like to be asked
My girl put concealer on and now I can’t find her.
Aquarius: Someone will hack into your dating profile, but won’t touch a thing because they think you’ve already been hacked. You haven’t.
ME: Hi I’d like to apply for a job as a contortionist
“When can you come in for an interview?”
ME: I’m flexible
If I were Obama, I’d totally lead with “My fellow Americans, the situation looks popeless.” #SOTU
Pulled off my t-shirt too fast and made my glasses disappear. I’m now available for bookings.