Parenting is mostly just informing kids how many more minutes they have of something.
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Since Hemsworth didn’t go for Thanos’s head, Avengers: Infinity War is a Chris miss movie.
Trying to pay for a $10 item with a 5 dollar bill and explaining that the bill is double sided
“You’re driving us apart!” —Crazy woman you met on eHarmony who’s hanging onto your windshield wipers as you turn the corner
How to impress your ex:
1. Get rich
2. Get more attractive
3. Get a tiger
4. Ride tiger everywhere in preparation for confrontation with ex
My toddler had a meltdown. I finally got her to use her words and she told me she doesn’t like the floor.
So. Yeah.
Son won’t eat sandwich I made him but will lick dog bowl
Athena: Hey if someone were to hypothetically curse you and turn your hair into your greatest fear what would it be
Medusa: probably snakes I’ve always hated them
Athena: interesting
Medusa: why
Athena:
Medusa: *nervous sweating* Athena why would you ask me that
I appreciate commercials that specify “shipped directly to your door” because I’m so tired of delivery people throwing packages on my roof or burying them in my yard
Neighbor: Your dog barks a lot.
Me: Isn’t your kid the one that plays her recorder outside every summer?
N: So?
M: So, I can’t help you.
My 5yo is a pretty good drawer but there’s only so many t-shirts you can fit into a tiny person.
I’m not saying my 4yo is an optimist, but while putting groceries away he held up a bag of cookies and said “I’ll just keep these in my room, ok?”
Staying in shape is the worst idea, all you’ve done is advertise that you’re capable of helping people move
@Holy_Mowgli @funTweeters Glass repairman: I’m shattered
Vader: I’ll teach you the Death Star’s power
Leia: By blowing up my planet?
Vader: By showing you a PowerPoint presentation
Leia: NOOO!!!
It’s that time of year again where I go to random restaurants to tell random women, “So this is why you cancelled our date” while they’re out with their significant others
My favorite part about Black Friday is the part where I go to the mall, find a great parking spot & sit in my car with the reverse lights on
oh you don’t want my dog to bark at you? then why would you stand calmly within a 2 mile radius of my house
I’m always here for you unless someone better looking needs me
My son proposed to his fiancée about six months ago and she said yes. They’re super happy, we love her family too. I just found out today that another girl is in love with him and plans to propose next week…. should I say anything? Oh and also, he’s 4. They’re all 4.
Why isn’t there an egg flavored Gatorade you cowards?
Carl: Cold out night.
Me: Tell me something I don’t know.
Carl: NASA found LSD improved spiders’ ability to make webs.
Me: Fair enough.
If I ever run out of food, I can survive for 3 or 4 days on the stuff stuck to the walls of my microwave.
Passenger: Do you mind if I take a picture out the window?
Pilot: Of course, you utter dipshit.
ROBIN: the batmobile won’t start
BATMAN: check the battery
ROBIN: what’s a tery
The definition of insanity is me trying to dance like 80s Madonna when I couldn’t dance like 80s Madonna in the 80s.
Pronouncing “driest” like priest
hell hath no fury like a toddler who lost the chance to push a button
I’m playing hide and seek with my 6yo. I’m underneath a pile of laundry, and she just walked right by me. This is exhilarating. It feels like that scene in Jurassic Park when the kids are hiding from the raptors.
What I really need is a visit from the ghost of christmas don’t cut your own bangs.