Men love me.
Germs fear me.Or vice versa, whatever
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ME: my wife said the four words no man wants to hear
THERAPIST: she wants a divorce?
ME: no, we’re going to Applebee’s
Jehovah’s Witness: Do you have time to talk about Jesus?
Jesus: *In disguise* sure
JW: He’s lame
J: *rips off fake beard* Big mistake pal
HIM: the first rule of fight club is never talk about fight club
ME: but we’re talking about it now
HIM: I mean like to your friends
ME: were not friends?
HIM: I mean kinda but-
ME: *crying* this hurts worse than getting punched
Good morning Twitter. It’s been 43 minutes since my last confession…
Hate freeloaders who join in the New Year’s Eve countdown for the last 10 seconds. I’ve been doing this all year. Where were you back in May
“What do you like to do in your free time?”
Golf.
“Oh that’s cool. When’s the last time you played?”
8 years ago.
[True Love’s gf on 7th day of Christmas, forcing smile]
awww Swans! how sweet! thx hon, these 7 birds will go nicely with the other 16 birds
doctor: im afraid u only have a few minutes left to live
me: [sobs] oh my god are u sure
doctor: [pulls out gun] im totally sure
“Last Christmas” is a strange song. It’s been 12 months and we’re just now addressing this situation?
I don’t have emotional baggage , I have got a small carry on griefcase
Got tazed at the zoo again for shouting yasss queen at the peacocks.
If I was a rapping novelist, my stage name would be Warren Piece.
When my hairdresser asked me if I intentionally styled my hair like that, I panicked.
I told her someone jumped me in the parking and styled it. I’m a quick thinker you know.
Talking to funeral home director:
Me: “I would like to have my mother-in-law cremated”
MIL: “Let go of me!”
What does a corpse and snow have in common? They are both cold and are hilarious to throw at unsuspecting children.
Just left WalMart. All the cute well behaved kids must be at Target.
All excellent questions
911: what’s your emergency?
me: there’s a really loud fight next door
911: we’ll send a narcissist with anger issues and a gun
me: omg thank you
I was raised catholic which means I have to close my eyes when I peel a banana.
me: here’s your glass of ice, ma’am
girl: i asked for water
me: patience, Linda
Q-tips specifically say NOT to put them in your ears yet that’s the only reason we buy them. We are not a species built for survival
A friend was talking about her cat bringing her another dead mouse and my ADHD brain did a side quest imagining my snake calling a cat for Door Dash.
I made a smoothie with oat milk. It was horrible. So next time I will use this recipe:
1.) Take carton of oat milk. Change name on carton to boat milk with sharpie.
2.) Next, float it out to middle of lake.
3.) Last, light it on fire like a Viking funeral.
I decided to stop wearing bamboo t-shirts after I got attacked by a family of koalas.
Fun prank: Just leave random “I’m sorry I hit your car” notes on people’s cars and watch them look for a non existent dent.
That time I tried to clap while doing a push-up and almost died.
Hi, I’m Suki. And I just turned the volume down because it was getting too cold in my car.
Me: I have to go to a funeral.
Her: Oh, I’m so sorry. Who died?
Me: One of my clients… It’s a business funeral, not a pleasure funeral.
The second cup of coffee does for me what a can of spinach does for Popeye.