When you write lyrics as bad as “I got soul but I’m not a soldier” it’s important to repeat it exactly 10 times in a row so nobody misses it
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It finally happened. A real human asked me to write an obit that stated “he died doing what he loved” and it took everything in me to keep my shit together about that.
Hamburger Helper only works if the hamburger is ready to accept that it needs help.
If I ever go missing, just follow my kids. They can find me no matter where I try to hide!
Do people with insomnia know about Coldplay?
GIRLFRIEND: I’m breaking up with you.
ME: Is it because in December I dress my pet pig in red and call it Hamta Claus?
HER: Yes. Yes it is.
this was pretty cool, thanks @funTweeters. means a lot!
My mom laughed at me when I said I was going to build a car out of spaghetti.
You should have seen her face as I drove pasta
Nobody:
Paintball field I went to for a birthday party in 2013: Hey man I bet you’re wondering how we’re handling all this
No way!
A good man is hard to find, but a babysitter for Friday night is harder.
Sometimes I answer your rhetorical questions because I think you are that stupid.
If he says I love you and you’re not ready to say it back, just say “I know.” He’ll think you’re being cute and quoting Star Wars. Win-Win.
I only like movies with a happy ending, which has led to several arrests in theaters
Question. How much fire is too much fire for your house to be on.
I have two selves:
One wants to be skinny and my jeans to fit. The other is a fat, hungry monster who would murder her own grandmother for a butterfinger.
My Diaper Genie grants wishes, as long as you wish for a 40 pound bag of baby shit every week.
Yesterday I found my first grader on her school computer designing a power point, and I just want to know why am I paying for camp this summer when I could just hire her for an unpaid internship?
MAYOR: I now present you a key to the city
ME: So long, suckers!
*hops in city and drives away*
MAYOR: Come back! I need that for work!
He challenged me to eat just one chip.
So I had two. Dozen.
Things I never thought I would say: “well if you unpacked your stuff you’d know where your elf ears were”.
Parenting is fun lol
If my wife comes to bed nude it’s ON, but when it’s me at the end of the bed naked she’s all “what are you doin, we’re at Mattress City.”
Me: I can’t sleep
My cat: lol what if I walked all over you right now
She hadn’t made a milkshake in years for fear that they would return.
She starts the blender reluctantly.
In the distance, screams.
The boys had returned. They were coming to her yard.
When comedians die, why does everyone tell them to “make God laugh”? You wouldn’t order a dead carpenter to “make God some bookshelves.”
The Blob: Bakery Beginning!
Remember mad cow disease?
Good times.
Me: Coke please
Waiter: Is heroin okay?
Wife: I just vacuumed so don’t make a mess
Daughter: Yeah, don’t make a mess dad
Me: I’m not the one she was *drops sandwich* dammit
Him: The smell of marinara reminds me of my grandma
Me: That’s cause your nose is connected to the limbic system of your brain where emotions are processed! Your olfactory nerve gettin all up in your amygdala and jumpin on good memories
Waiter: Ma’am please return to your table