Damn Girl, are you a violin solo in a Dave Matthews song? Cuz you go on forever.
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My kid’s school asked them to get a family relic for school “show and tell”. He asked what’s a relic and they said ancient things. So he asked me to give him anything I had from my childhood.
HER: *making sexy eyes* did you just get back from the gym
ME: *sweating and out of breath from carrying groceries up the stairs* yes
The only times I go for a jog is when there’s a cute guy in front of me or a creepy guy behind me.
I am the proud father of two content providers. I mean children. Two children.
Today’s episode of Wheel of Fortune has been cancelled because Jesus took the wheel.
I have accidentally eaten the lil paper flag on the Hershey’s kiss more times than I’m comfortable with this holiday season
Went to the car wash and asked for one of those Brazilian wax jobs everyone’s been talking about.
Since I moved into my house, my parents do this thing where they come over so my dad can work on a project but he always forgets a tool he needs so they just drink my beer instead.
UBER DRIVER: Where to
ME: One sec. Siri, where the best place to dispose of an uber driver’s body
SIRI: The bog
ME: nearest bog please
Me: Will you marry me?
Her: No
Backing singers: She said no! she said no!
Me: Not now
Me: *checking weather on phone*
3: Mommy, are you texting Peppa Pig?
Me:
3:
Me: Yes, we go way back.
Monster mom: Is it a GIRL?
Monster dad: Is it a BOY?Midwife: It has 12 fingers and 4 toes. Just be grateful you created a monster!
This day in history. 1940. Carbon-14 was discovered, allowing us to estimate the age of organic materials such as wood, leather, and Cher.
I don’t think ‘Open Facebook’ was the first step in the scientific method I learned in school
Shes a 10 but moves things with her mind
She’s 11.
I want rich people’s problems like government denying the permission of landing my chopper on my mansion.
My 3yo instructed me to be the monster at the park but just as I was about to grab her she shouted “hey monster, it’s lunch time!” so I’m super impressed with her survival skills
You probably need to be having sex prior to claiming you have a safe word.
‘Drinking water successfully’ is out
‘Drinking water and letting it fall out the side of your mouth somehow and then down your chin and also to your shirt and oh god you’re sitting and the pants got hit too’ is in
So psyched! My 1st granddaughter born today:
6lb11oz!
Which is not the name I’d have chosen, but I guess I need to keep up with the times.
Toddlers be like, we can do this the hard way or the harder way.
3yo: dad.
Me: why aren’t you sleeping?
3yo: I am sleeping.
Me: then why are we talking?
3yo: so I could tell you I’m sleepIng.
Me: you’re kind of creepy at night.
Why do seagulls live by the sea?
Because if they lived by the bay theyd be bagels.
doctor: I’d like to give you something to help your anxiety
me: whose side are you on?
Me: *closes Bible, takes long, hard look at neighbor’s ox*
I’m gonna hang on to you one more year, bottle of relish.
Waiter: You need to let this wine breathe for a moment.
WIne Mom🍷: *grabs waiter by the skinny tie* I STRAIGHT UP PLAN TO GIVE IT MOUTH TO MOUTH, CRAIG
Rewatched Nightmare on Elm Street and was reminded that when I was 8 I was so terrified of Freddy, Jason and Chucky that at night I would pray to them (not God) that if they spared me I’d become their Renfield and offered up my mean bus driver in exchange. We all did this, right?
What did Jay-Z call his girlfriend before getting married?
Feyonce.
*drops mic, throws up dynasty sign*