I’m glad we’re finally banning plastic straws. It’s about time we started caring about camels and their fragile backs
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Dammit Chief not again
I made you something special for Mother’s Day, my kid threatened.
Just found all my fan letters to Wolverine my wife “promised” she mailed stuffed behind the couch. I’m livid.
I’ve worked at my job for 7 years & my boss still hasn’t noticed that I only give Magic 8-Ball responses to all of his questions.
My wife gave me a hairband for my messy hair, and since morning twice I’ve tried to bring it down thinking they’re my reading glasses
ME: Sometimes I feel like I’m in a bad tweet
NARRATOR: And he was
ME: I see you
NARRATOR: He could see me
ME: Stop
NARRATOR: I did not stop
Get rid of the “quality check” section on the Domino’s pizza tracker. I know what I’m getting myself into here.
if i were a 400 year old immortal vampire, i would simply not enrol in a local high school
I’m so sorry for your loss. Your husband is in a better place now.
“B-but he left me for a-”
-A richer woman? I know. Her house is gorgeous!
I had my leg X-rayed today.
The doctor said: ‘Your patella measures 2.54cm’.
I said: ‘Inch-high knees?’
He said: ‘您的髌骨是2.54厘米高.’
Me: can I wish for more wishes
Genie: no
Me: i wish for $20 then
Genie: granted
Me: *slides $20 across table* how about those wishes now
*pronounces patio like ratio
what I say: WE RIDE AT DAWN
what I mean: Let’s meet at noonish for brunch and a nature walk
Sitting here reminiscing about the 3 times I went to the gym in 2019.
Him: Why are you here?
Me: Why am I anywhere?
I want to be a Walmart greeter just so I can tell customers who come in “everyone enters, but not everyone leaves”
My kids are always accusing me of having a “favorite child” which is ridiculous because I don’t really like any of them.
they say tomatoes are good for my prostate but they’re way too squishy to get up in there
im the guy responsible for throwing the chicken in the air for fried chicken commercials. i will never reveal my secret method’s
So we got a goldfish…
boss: why aren’t you working?
me: i didn’t see you coming!
*gets hit by a car*
Passerby: “ARE YOU OKAY?”
Me: “Please… I need my… phone”
*opens Twitter*
Me: “LMFAOOOOOOO YALL GUESS WHAT”
Show your guy you love him by making him lasagna.
Write his name in the cheese.
Leave it on his porch.
His wife is home.
Write hers too.
Every time I cook risotto I feel like Gordon Ramsey is going to walk in and scream at me.
They say that there’s no place for the state in the bedrooms of the nation, and you know what else has no place in the bedrooms of the nation? MALM furniture from IKEA or my cousin Steve.
[opens fortune cookie]
be careful what you wish for
[opens another]
this is your final warning
There are very few things more embarrassing than finding out you’ve been doing something the wrong way your entire life.
I had no idea so much of my married life was going to be spent listening to my husband complain about the price of gas, yet here we are.