me: (texting boss) we still on for work today?
boss: yes. you dont have to text me this every morning. we’re “on” for work every day mon-fri
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According to the amount of bacon I just cooked. I’m 4 people.
I birthed my kid faster than she can put on shoes
People who can’t tell the difference between whole numbers and decimals are missing the point.
Are you thinking of putting a dozen Cheerios in a ring box on the kitchen counter with a sign that says “Honey, I Shrunk The Donuts”, just to keep your marriage exciting, or are you normal?
My wife spent six weeks researching customer reviews of vacuum cleaners and one time I bought a new car because I had the same dog as the guy on the commercial.
50 years ago: one day computers will make all our lives easier & fun
50 years later on a computer on the internet: TEN SIGNS THAT YOU MAY BE DYING OF A VERY DEADLY DISEASE BUT HERE’S SOME ADS FIRST
my partner’s been out of town for 6 days while I’m home w 2 kids and we’re officially in feral mode. My kid asked for her 4th popsicle of the night and I was like “yeah girl grab me another one too”
I made a wish and threw a bitcoin in the fountain. Now my laptop won’t boot anymore.
Directions: Allow food to sit for five minutes before consuming.
Me: No.
This throwing coins in the wishing well is taking too long…
I’m going in myself.
[hospital]
“I’m afraid it’s bad news. Your husband will never walk again”
“Oh God, he’s paralysed?”
“No, someone’s bought him rollerblades”
I̶t̶’̶s̶ ̶t̶o̶o̶ ̶e̶a̶r̶l̶y̶ ̶t̶o̶ start drinking
Of course I support real issues.
I donate hundreds of dollars to the Girl Scouts every year for the ‘No Cookie Left Uneaten’, movement
On Twitter, people respect you for sharing your deepest, darkest flaws. Unless those flaws are typos, in which case, die in a fire.
I’m not feeling myself today…
…would YOU do it for me?
Ugh, I hate when my bath sandwich gets all wet
A macaron is just an oreo that studied abroad.
Absolutely destroyed my bed last night… I cuddled those covers so hard
We got our cats a water fountain. Now they stand around it holding little paper cups and gossiping about us.
ME: I need to return this blender
WALMART EMPLOYEE: Why?
ME:(thinking about how i broke it trying to blend rocks to make sand)
“Its haunted”
The way my kids use sunscreen they’ll never get a sunburn on their bathroom floor
Clearly I have no shame but thanks for asking. You must be new here.
My boss to a new applicant: You never get a second chance to make a first impression right?
Me about to inflict some post traumatic amnesia on him with a computer monitor: ʷᵉ’ˡˡ ˢᵉᵉ ᵃᵇᵒᵘᵗ ᵗʰᵃᵗ.
“How many dead bodies do I have to leave on the porch before they acknowledge me?”
-Cats
Pharmacies could save a lot of hassle and just have customers walk through a denim detector to see if they’re cooking meth.
me: do you gift wrap
drug dealer: what
*gets email*
-Do you want to chat with hot nineteen-year olds in your area?-
*responds*
“Can any of them help me with this iTunes update?”
Is someone who’s bound by ropes in a cannibals basement considered tie food?
This probably isn’t good