eve: oH IM aDaM aNd I WoNT eAT aN ApPle
adam: wow
eve: lighten up i’m just ribbing you
adam: WOW
You Might Also Like
*At the checkout
Cashier: How many croissants?
M: Four
*Cashier eyes up the crumbs on my face.
M: Um six
[ SEXT ]
Me: Hey naughty girl, what are you wearing right now?
Her: Footed pajamas
M: …
H: …
M: …
H: …
M: K, gnight
If you love someone, buy a bouncy castle. No one would leave you if you own a bouncy castle.
Only whores show their boobs. Only uptight bitches won’t show their boobs. Please show me your boobs. Women are crazy. – men
“I’m going to lay right here in the doorway and give people a dumb look as they trip over me.”- Damned dog…. Could’ve been me though.
me: *releasing a hot dog into the tube at the bank drive-thru* be free
A squiggly red line should appear under people who are wrong for you
[latest bio rejection from christian mingle]
Interested in both term and whole life insurances.
I’m quiet and hate confrontation with neighbors, so I renamed our wifi “Some Of Us Think Your Rooster Should Be Kept Inside On Weekend Mornings.”
My friend told his gf he’s giving up valentines day for lent… I know what’s coming so I told him that i’m giving up letting friends sleep on my couch
If you want to keep a secret from me, write it down and send it to me as a Facebook event invitation.
I don’t like to say something is “strong enough to kill a horse” because I have horses and I’ve had to call a vet twice because a horse “swallowed hay wrong.”
Living your life to the fullest does not have to involve selfies with bison.
Well if you cant buy babys at Babys R Us what in the world do they sell?
some cats are just doing for fun!
[my sister, discussing her two-year-olds]: yeah they haven’t yet realized that if they don’t eat breakfast, they’ll be in a horrible mood later
[me, just realizing my bad mood was caused by skipping breakfast]: yeah….idiot babies
Her: We’re having twins!
Me: WHO IS THE OTHER FATHER?!?!!
Her: so you’re a teacher? What do you teach?
Me *nervous*: children
My neighbours were loud and rowdy last night til 3:30, waking up our kids.
So now my husband is outside starting up the leaf blower and table saw at 9am, in case you wondered what middle class suburban feuds in Canada looked like.
My 4yo is crying because she has outgrown her clothes during quarantine.
Same girl, same.
Farmer: Here, take a gander.
Goose: No! My husband!
Dog finds the fluffiest dogs in daycare, so he can nap on them.. 😊
[feather on the ground]
4-year-old: It’s a pterodactyl feather!
Me: Pterodactyls don’t have feathers.
4: I know. They fell off.
Parties are like jury duty for introverts. You know it’s the right thing to show up, but you really hope there’s a murder so it’s worth it.
Yes, it was me. I pulled over and tried to coax those kittens into my van. You can keep your kids. I just want the kittens.
Do I have a plan for the zombie apocalypse? I don’t even have a battery in my smoke detector and fire is real.
[job interview]
HR: Says here you’re very good at multi-tasking
*me taking a selfie & spinning in chair
HR: *whispering “wow he’s good”
[crime scene]
•detective flips open pocket watch•
Hmmm…precisely what I thought
“What’s that sir”
•closes watch•
It’s lunch time