my niece: I love dogs! They’re so cute and smart and fun! I really really really want a dog!
me: I walked seven blocks with a stinky bag of steaming dog poop this morning
my niece: maybe a cat
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Sorry I’m late. My dog ate my car.
What do you call the sexual orientation where you’re attracted to both and men and women but they’re not attracted to you?
Bi-yourself.
Crawling into a nice warm barrel of toxic waste and dissolving sounds so appealing…but is it worth the risk of developing super powers or some extra shit like that? So tired.
It’s curious how kids are always *really* hungry right before dinner and right after dinner, but never during actual dinner.
Me: She loves me, she loves me not, she loves me, she loves me not, she lov-
Wife: CAN YOU JUST PEEL THE SHRIMP PLEASE
I have a bumper sticker that says “Honk if you think I’m sexy!” Then I just sit at green lights until I feel better about myself!
I need a button in Zoom meetings where it just freezes my screen and makes it look like I’m having network issues
Surprise a beautiful person today by disagreeing with them.
“Cute shoes! What material is that? Can I feel them?”
– I say, reaching under the bathroom stall
I Photoshop paddington into a movie, game, TV show, or album until I forget: Day 715
Sometimes I put a cashew in my mouth for the dentist to find.
Titanic passengers clearly didn’t read the fine print on their tickets:
“All sails are final.”
That fish is too small and that fish is too big but that fish is justtttt right
-Goldilocks on Tinder
Capitalism is controlled by an “invisible hand” that gives most people the invisible finger.
ME: I’m allergic to suggestions.
FRIEND: You should get that checked out.
ME: *swelling up like a balloon* You’re not the boss of me.
Really not sure what’s all the fuss about the Queen’s #Nazi salute, everyone knows ‘Scissors Beat Paper’
The best thing about my 4 year old right now is that he’s currently saying things he must have heard somewhere but has no real concept of what they actually mean. Today everything is “151 percent awesome”
Doctor: You’ve got cancer.
Me: *slides a twenty across the examining table*
Doctor: What’s this for?
Me: Say something else.
Doctor: You’ve got shingles, too.
Hey, did you know that if you leave clean clothes on the floor for long enough they become dirty clothes?
If I had gone to Rydell High, I would have walked right up to Rizzo and asked, “Rizzo? Is that short for Chorizzo?”
Jewish Baristas, or as I like to call them…
He brews.
If she can do anything why is there no Money Laundering Barbie?
Questions like, “Could you survive a cannon blast, dad?” keep my son up at night. Follow up comments like, “I guess we’ll have to wait and see,” keep me up at night.
Wife: I told you to dress our daughter in her purple shirt.
Me: I did.
Wife: That’s mauve.
I hate it when she makes up words.
if I’m ever feeling lonely and I need someone to talk to me, I just announce to my spouse or kids that I’m about to take a nap
Waiter: would you like another drink before I bring you the check?
Me: holy shit how bad is it?!
If you see a woman holding Fifty Shades of Grey, smile and say “congratulations on your first book!”
“I’m a copy-editor”
– boring
– who cares
– what does that even mean“I am here to right what has gone wrong”
– mysterious
– ominous
– maybe you have a sword
Oh, you like Five Guys hamburgers more than In-N-Out?
*unfollows
*blocks
*stews
*hires assassin on Craigslist
*unblocks to monitor situation
*checks Timeline*…