If you haven’t been to the Grand Canyon, I highly recommend it. It’s just gorges
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Forgive me Father, for I have sinned.
~What is your sin, child?
My husband and I are arguing
~That’s very common.
…about my boyfriend.
I still can’t believe someone stole my neighbours wind chimes tomorrow morning
Lose something? Need help? Call 1-800-MOM & a team of moms will be deployed to you to ask you “Well, did you look?”Or “did you look-look?”
[Doctors appointment]
Me: It hurts when I go like this. *gets up and leaves and goes to work*
Me: eugh! What have you done to this food?
Them: That’s called flavour
Me, a Brit: Well, I dont like it
My dead husband has to report for jury duty. He just can’t catch a break.
If you get a DM from Keanu Reeves asking for money, it’s probably fake because I already took care of him
There’s really no cooler place to wear sunglasses than in a submarine.
I become instantly beautiful when I put on my sunglasses.
-Every girl, ever.
I don’t get the uproar over guns made with 3D printers. I mean how would anyone get a potential victim to put those glasses on anyway?
Martha Stewart gives me the crêpes.
Dear food bloggers, I am not interested in your journey toward chocolate pudding I JUST WANT THE GODDAMN RECIPE
Why is no one talking about how hamsters taste NOTHING like ham?!
my Roomba bravely tries to trip my attacker as they chase me through the house
Doctor: The tests came back. They don’t look good.
The tests: ok wow this is the kind of attitude that made us leave in the first place
{At therapists}
SIMBA: Once my dad let a monkey hold me over a cliff.
°pulls up to drive-thru°
[ME] ONE NUMBER 4 WITH A COKE
[FREIND] aren’t you on a diet
[ME] oh yeah..AND A BOOK ABOUT MANNERS FOR MY FRIEND
Dear Satan,
God never healed my dyslexia so I’m looking for new religion. Please send some pamphlets. And tell Rudolph hey.
Love,
Me
*needs a hug
*taps car brakes a little too hard so the seatbelt locks upNice.
Taking the dog to the vet see you in $300
[camping]
Her: *pointing* What’s that?
Me: Decoy bacon sammich. For bears
H: *tuts*
M: We’re safe as long as it’s there
H: Right…
*later – cut to me eating the sammich*
*later still – cut to me being mauled by a grizzly*
M: I get no pleasure saying this, but told you so
I hope the rapture makes the line at the dinner buffet shorter.
People say to enjoy the messes your kids leave, because you’ll miss them when they’re grown and gone.
I like to call those people liars.
When you take Google Maps too seriously.
I just spilled a bag of popcorn kernels…but, I’m sure you guys heard my wife yelling & already knew that.
If anyone else mentions how tiny I am today I will bite their ankles
[watching Friends]
NIECE: I love this show
ME: aw I loved it when I was ten too *ruffles her hair* you are gonna have such unrealistic expectations for how close your adult friendships will be
There are 2 kinds of people in this world:
1. People who aren’t good with numbers
Neighbor: Oh your baby has beautiful big eyes!
My wife: Yeah, like his dad
Me: *Stares suspiciously at our gardener Sauron*
things i’ve picked my teeth with:
– pen lid
– unfolded staple
– aggressive licking
– a blade of grassthings i’ve never picked my teeth with:
– toothpick