[On WebMD]
I have a sore throat
[Throat cancer]
I wasn’t done, and a stomach ache.
[Cancer]
Couldn’t it be the flu?
[If it wasn’t cancer]
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Waiter: black pepper?
Me: sure
Waiter: say when
Me: [remembering I have large investments in numerous peppercorn plantations] haha sure
*gets ‘knîf’ and ‘fork’ tattooed on my knuckles so I remember which hands to use when dining with the queen*
(Vegan zombie)
“Mmmm ….. grains”
MY KID: I’m ready to go I just need to get my shoes on
ME: *visibly ages*
my mom: we found this under your bed and we are very disappointed *pulls out copy of “drugs for dummies”*
my dad: lol nerd
Masseuse (whispers in my ear): Hey baby, would you like a happy ending?
Me: [flashback to end of Infinity Wars] Yes, please
[eating cured meats and mixed cheeses while jumping out of an airplane] lmao pacharcuterie
If a chimp tries to sign up for your karate class, DO NOT LET HIM! He already has the strength & the anger. Don’t give him the skills.
I asked my friend what keeps her up at night. She answered, “helium.” Also, my friend is a balloon.
“Alexander’s not so Great” – younger brother, Steve the Ok
Son: It’s spring break, what are we doing?
Me: Working, “we” are working.
I was going to pay the taxi driver with my leftovers from lunch but that wouldn’t be fare to him
I’m telling you, stress doesn’t give you grey hair. Even after this awful year I don’t have a single grey
I only have 27 hairs left on my head but none of them are grey
ME: I have zero interest in owning a parrot.
CLERK: This parrot is 80% off.
ME: I will take 4 parrots.
Neighbor: Help I have a plumbing emergency!
Me: *grabs tools*
Neighbor is naked and wet
Me: um what kind of plumbing are we talking about?
Rather than trying to “change” your passwords, accept them for their imperfections and they will grow stronger than you can possibly imagine
It sucks when you’re stuck in traffic behind a truck so you have no idea what’s going on down the road. For all you know Godzilla is melting cars a block ahead.
plant them where lol
One time, I broke my iPhone
and for 2 days I had to tweet from my Macbook like a God-dammed homeless personI don’t like to talk about it
When I joined the ski patrol, I had only one mission in mind: fighting crime on ski slopes. I left quietly soon after.
*narrows eyes*
You wouldn’t write it like that unless you poisoned the firgs
Careful…I’ve already had our entire fight in my head and it doesn’t end well for you.
Alec Baldwin always sounds like he’s trying to have an intense conversation in a public library.
My hot neighbor said hi to me but not my girlfriend. This shouldn’t be a problem at all
ME: this hotel is infested with squirrels!
GUY: get out of my son’s tree house
ME: fine, but I’m keeping the squirrels
“shark infested waters”…. you mean their home????😭
Me *calls 911* I got stabbed by an murderer
911: omg
Me: omg
911: “an” murderer haha
Me: haha stop I heard it just as I said it
Losing My Religion is a sad song about a misplaced pulled-pork sandwich.
[doing a sexy skype chat]
GF: show me urs & I’ll show u mine
ME: mmm baby I can’t wait
*we both lower our cams to show each other our dogs*