When you drive by a cop car and wonder if you did rob a bank and just forgot about it
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me: I want you to be you but also all mine
pizza: [cheesing seductively]
Stay at an airbnb if you want to clean up someone else’s house better than your own
I wish I was Jean Claude Van Damme, not to be able to roundhouse kick my co-worker, but to bore him to death as I act out a scene.
[High school reunion]
Me: I’m in the army now.Friend: I thought you were either going to be a referee or an attorney.
Me: Yeah I couldn’t decide between boxers and briefs so I went commando
My dog is doing her silly “I Just Made A Giant Poop” happy dance. I’m happy for her but also like, super jealous.
thank you for bringing your bluetooth speaker to the beach, i was concerned the ocean would be too soothing
he was a gator boy
she said catch you later boy
she was with animal control
When a person says a book is so good they can’t put it down, but yet, are not holding that book.
This is why I have trust issues.
The masseuse asked if I wanted her to finish me, I said yes & then she ripped my spine out & said “Flawless Victory!”
I’m not going to make my daughter choose a religion, I’ll explain the differences & when the time comes she can choose either Marvel or DC.
My front door has a reverse peephole so you can see me ignoring you
Retired bakers have nothing to prove.
Currently trying to estimate how many steps I lost searching the house to find my Fitbit.
Morning.
I always feel slightly ripped off when my toddler poops after I pick her up from daycare.
Why did the new psychology student eat their textbook?
Because the professor said it was a piece of cake!
😂
ME: i’m only afraid of two things: public speaking and ghosts
[later, on stage]
CROWD: BOOOOOOOO
ME: oh no
Interviewer: Is it true you are the first duck to be made a duke?
Duck: Please address me as ‘M’llard’
The #AshleyMadisonHack is getting out of hand. Site just revealed that I’ve been cheating on my diet. I’m not even sure how they’d know that
The best part of being a flight attendant has to be when you walk the aisle saying “trash” to everyone’s face.
PRO SURVIVAL TIP: Don’t go through that door that mysteriously opened all by itself in that 300 year old hotel with a tragic past.
Pancakes are just waffles that
decided to go off the grid.
My husband makes coffee for me every morning even when we’re fighting. Consider this evidence if I ever die by poison.
Twitter is the new Circuit City grift 🤣
*pours milk over bowl of Doritos for breakfast*
You know how when you’re in sixth grade and you love someone you express it by being mean and throwing rocks at them? That’s Me. I love you.
being a grandma is the perfect cover for being a serial killer. no other type of person can comfortably explain 12 envelopes containing curls of human hair tied together with ribbons
shut up and take my money
My daughter has an ice skating date with her boyfriend tonight. So I’ll be the guy skating behind two 12 year olds carrying a shotgun.
My daughter dries dishes like she is a rich lady in the witness protection program trying to integrate into a small midwestern town.