[Old lady] Please dont pet my dog. She’s a service dog
[Me] Omg I’m so sorry (stands up straight & salutes dog) Thank you for your service
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Accidentally walked into the men’s room so I just went ahead and used the urinal so it wouldn’t be awkward for anyone.
TV ANNOUNCER: Up next, the Masked Singer.
CDC: Good.
Dogdamnit, autocarrot.
Me: I can’t believe I’m only discovering Fleetwood Mac now.
Girlfriend: I’ve heard Rumours
Me: No, it’s true Sandra. They’re an actual band.
I once took a woman back to a hotel who was in town from Canada back when I was sweet. I kept taking her clothes off but she was wearing so many layers. After a good half hour of peeling, I finally reached the center only to find… nothing. Only the slightest scent of maple.
doctor: your blood pressure is a bit high
me: maybe it’s because someone is strangling my bicep
I got a facial tonight by hovering over the boiling water before throwing in the mac n cheese.
Church should be less preachy and more eat-y.
[at wine tasting]
Hmm yes, very good. a slight smokey undertone.
“Sir, you just put your cigarette in your wine”
Strong smokey undertone
[while titanic is sinking]
me: [mouth full of shrimp at the buffet] I can’t believe no one is eating these lol
Animal poetry
Me: So what do you do?
Date: I’m a seismologist.
Me: No way! Can you…
Date: Please don’t.
Me: …guess my height?
[sees some cut grass]
“Nice”
[sees some ripped leaves]
“oh yea”
[sees a twig with a 6 pack]
“holy shit”
WEDDING SUPERSTITION: It is bad luck to get married.
Jesus needed to sleep in a cave for 3 days and he didn’t even have kids
Fun Fact:
Organic milk only comes from cows that do yoga and moo about being a vegetarian or marathons they were in.
The waiter who’s drawn the short straw today steps up to my table with a gulp.
Him: Fresh Parmesan?
Me: MAKE IT RAAAAIN!
It’s a bird. It’s a plane.
It’s a joke that went over your head.
*bangs toe*
*never calls toe again*
I don’t think it is fair God plays for the Seahawks, seems like an unfair advantage.
Why is it pronounced ar-kan-saw and not ar-you-sure-you-wanna-go-here
I bought a new scale today.
Can’t wait to get home and throw it out the window.
I don’t understand why gyms have mirrors. I know what I look like. That’s why I’m here.
Me: people who betray you need to know that they make us incapable of trusting again
My mum: it was one mango that was bad of the lot! Just let the vendor go!
If we reverse engineered electronics from a crashed UFO, it’s only a matter of time before aliens return with patent lawyers and sue us into oblivion.
BATMAN: *struggling to escape from chains*
RIDDLER: Not so fast, Caped Crusader! You have to solve my riddle first! *sneaking a look at his son’s math textbook* If one train leaves Pittsburgh at 8am traveling at 65mph…
[meeting my gf’s parents]
gf: just please be serious
me: ok
[later]
gf’s dad: sorry for the wait, dinner’s ready now
me: I DID MY WAITING
gf: oh no
me: TWELVE YEARS OF IT
gf: please
me: IN AZKABAN
If you don’t think Colorado needs a wall then you’ve never met someone from Wyoming
Whoever named He-Man was doing the very least
“I can be nice or I can be honest.”