6 month checkup…
Doctor: You don’t look so good. Do you smoke or drink alcohol?
Me: I drink it.
You Might Also Like
Bummed cuz parents wont send their kids to my resort that teaches how to pay attention.
I thought “Concentration Camp” would be a gold mine.
Any shampoo can be volume control shampoo if you cram the bottle directly into your kids mouth
Hey rappers, if you have to keep reintroducing yourself then you’re not a very good rapper.
Me: What do you want to do tonight?
Husband: I was thinking we could do what all those young people talk about and Netflix and —
Me: *already asleep*
My pessimism has never failed me, but I’m sure someday it will.
my doctor just told me I’ll never be able to play the xylophone ever again in his office
Whenever I destroy an ant hill with the leaf blower, I imagine the footage of the terrible blownado being shown on ant tv the next morning.
Faces YOU Make ON The Toilet lol (o_o) (>_<) (0_0) (^_^)
saying you’re celebrating your 2 year anniversary:
-dull
-overused
-nobody caressaying you’ve been together for 4 brexit extensions:
-original
-spicy
-culturally poignant
back to work
can’t believe they changed the Hollywood sign again
Son: how will I know when I’m a grown-up?
Me: certain foods will make your stomach hurt.
Chef: And then you just cover it with gravy and cheese
Me: Don’t stop, you’re poutine me in the mood
Parenting is basically telling your kids they need to eat more fruit then telling them to quit eating all the fruit.
got three hours sleep & i fell great! seems li the less less sleep I get the move alarr et u ambdcim
*throws keys at nearest sober person*
DRIVE ME HOME PEASANT
GYM
Man: “Can you spot me?”
Me: “Sure”
Man: *Throwing down towel* “Invisibility cloak my ass”
Doctor: Are you allergic to anything?
Me: Cats
Doctor: Anything else?
Me: Grease
Doctor: is that everything?
Me: Most musicals to be honest.
[slipping waiter a five dollar bill]
can you make sure my green beans and mac n cheese don’t touch on the plate
the only difference between 15 year old me and current me is that if i fell off of a skateboard now i would die.
Lou Read is the name of my favourite musician and also the book I keep in the toilet
If my TV’s so smart then why doesn’t it slap me when I turn on the news?
I’m sorry, I didn’t realize how quiet your bathroom exhaust fan was.
1pm, the perfect time to start doing the work I woke up early to get a jump on.
I just sent a text that says “we really need to talk” to everyone I know so nobody will bother me today.
I’m looking for a very tall gf to reach the cookies, or a very small gf I can lift up to get the cookies.
honestly it’s up to you whether or not you refer to it as the Last Supper or the First Murder Mystery Dinner
If you’re feeling jealous because someone you know is posting photos of an amazing vacation that you could never afford, remember this: Now is an excellent time to break into their home and steal stuff.
the passive aggression of Snapchat asking “do you want to abandon your snapsterpiece?” and forcing you to click “abandon” like sorry I’m not carrying this picture of my bagel to term, I had a moment of clarity and remembered literally no one needs to see this
The dog ate my kid’s snack and now he’s saying “get it back” like I’m Hermione Granger or something