I’m always tonguing my cyanide tooth in case someone wants to tell me about their journey.
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How much for the goth pool noodles?
“STOP TELLING ME WHAT TO DO”, I yell to my 5 year old.
The plural of beer is beer, which is very convenient when you are explaining to your wife why you were late coming home from work.
I never understood why people complain about camping. What’s not to love about a luxury, air-conditioned cabin fully stocked with food, beer, and WiFi?
*turns off comments*
Please help settle an argument between me and my wife:
I say it’s weird she dresses Mr Whiskers and Fluffykins in different outfits every day, and wheels them around town in a stroller
She says it’s more weird that I insisted on giving those names to our kids.
Cop: “what do you think you’re doing?”
Me: “just throwing these microwaves into the ocean to create super sharks”
*cop starts helping*
I like my men how I like my cheesecake, rich and straight to my behind.
Before I had kids I was going to be an awesome mom.
I like how liquor stores wrap booze bottles in complimentary barf bags.
anytime I meet someone who doesn’t like dogs I assume their backstory is that they were cut from their high school basketball team because airbud took their spot
My kid told her teacher that we were late because her Mom had to poop and I see why some animals eat their young.
The Church of England rejected female bishops. How can women’s rights expect to move forward if they’re not even allowed to move diagonally?
Give your kid a bowl of chips, and he’ll eat for a few minutes. Let him dump out a bag of chips in the car, and he’ll eat for a whole week
“Fidget toys” is just a term used by folks who got tired of folks yelling at them to stop flipping their goddamn keys.
If you have a headache, do what it says on the aspirin bottle: Take two, and KEEP AWAY FROM CHILDREN.
Cancelling plans is okay. Putting yourself first is okay. Going into the forest and abandoning society is okay. Befriending a pack of wolves and assimilating into their wolf pack is okay. Howling at the moon is okay. Do what you need to do to cope.
*chasing after a rooster* give me your cool hat
dude killed a sea lion with his bike
*throws keys at nearest sober person*
DRIVE ME HOME PEASANT
Thought a guy on a bicycle was doing a fist pump so I almost did one back until I realized he was just really enthusiastic about turning right
Sometimes I like to think that at the end of a long day, the chips and dip in my kitchen see me and think, “We thought you’d never come back for us!”
[guy taking a bite of corn and then immediately taking a bite of hotdog] there has to be a better way
In lieu of exercise, accidentally send your text to the wrong person to get your heart rate up
“No, I didn’t forget your gift”
*digs in purse
“Got you this hairspr..I need that. Got you this keyring”
*removes keys
Picnic ruined by underwhelming potato salad (and Fire ants).
The movie ”Finding Nemo” would’ve lasted only 5 minutes if his mother would’ve looked for him.
Not yet
Not yet
Not yet
Not yet
Not yet
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Not yet
Not yet
Not yet
OK! EAT ME NOW
Oh! Too lateBananas
My dog was outside barking like a maniac, so I opened the back door and screamed, “Jesus Christ! Get in the God damn house!”
Two minutes later, my husband came home and told me that our neighbors are having an Easter egg hunt…outside.
I guess I have to move now.
Hypnotist: *you are getting sleepy*
Me: I can’t be hypnotized, man
Hypnotist: *waves plate of nachos before my eyes*
Me: touché
Karen, if you can see this, the tupperware didn’t come with the lasagna. The tupperware wasn’t a gift