What…what happens if the crabs learn how to read???
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Remembering the time I brought a bf to a family thing & he pointed at my uncle & whispered, “That’s my parole officer.”
Psychiatrist “Tell me about your trust issues.”
Me “No”
My mother is displeased with me.
In other shocking news, water is wet and the sun is bright.
Her: I hate organized religion
Me *trying to unnoticeably re-jumble my religion drawer*: psh, oh yeah, me too
Welcome to your 40s, your bra wins the Oscar for the best actor in a supportive role.
Me: Let’s get married secretly, and not tell anybody!
Her: Yea, but what if we have a baby?
Me: Well, we’ll tell the baby…
If we’re in a horror movie and you tell me to run, it’s already too late for me.
my girlfriend sold her prized barbie toy collection to get me a ticket to oppenheimer this weekend. and i sold my supply of highly enriched uranium to get her a ticket to the barbie movie 😔
I once pushed a shopping cart 10 miles the other direction to avoid talking to someone I knew at the grocery store.
no one should have to work on Sundays till you pull up to the Taco Bell and it’s dark inside
If you ever feel shitty about mispronouncing a word you’ve never used in speech, then know that nothing could be worse than the way I said ‘banal’ in front of an entire company
When something at the hardware store says it’s universal, that means it will fit every model on the market except the one you have.
If you tell my dog he’s getting a treat and forget, he will stalk you until you remember. We came in an hour ago and I just figured out why he’s been following me around and staring at me like I’m made of bacon.
People who think I’m boring should see the Excel spreadsheet I’ve designed to present all the data to the contrary. The macros alone will convince you.
Honestly son, that nightlight just makes it easier for the monsters to find you.
*Asks soulmate*
What is your dream car and why?Minivan, because the sliding door <joining in> MAKES IT EASIER FOR DRIVE-BY BAZOOKA ATTACKS
Apparently, “lead the way” is not the best response to your neighbour’s “may you burn in the eternal flames of hellfire” after his 17th wind chimes go missing under mysterious circumstances.
So disappointed that they canceled the New York City Marathon. This was going to be the year I lied about running it.
I never met a cheese I didn’t like.
{Packing for trip}
ME: I always thought they were called “soupcases”.
HER: Why would they be called soupcases?
ME: Well why would they be called suitcases?
HER: Because they’re for your suits.
ME:
HER:
ME: Okay I need to repack.
I can’t sleep; so I went out & got 2 donuts, glued them to my eyes, climbed up a tree & pretended I’m an owl.
How to brew beer: First buy $300 worth of equipment from the last guy who thought it would be fun
Accidentally wore a red shirt and a khaki pants to Target yesterday &, long story short, I think I have been promoted to assistant manager.
[holding the door open for a pretty woman]
Her: *smiling* Thank you, gallant sir
Me: *blushing* I aim to please
Wife: *withering* Honey, we’ve shared a bathroom for 18 years, he aims for the floor
M: I despise you
I’m at the ‘you fold laundry too loudly’ part of marriage.
I dont know why people are disappointed when they find out a celebrity crush is married.As if that was their only obstacle to being together
Doctor: You’ve got cancer.
Me: *slides a twenty across the examining table*
Doctor: What’s this for?
Me: Say something else.
Doctor: You’ve got shingles, too.
I’m going to leave the presents out and hide my kids in the closet until Christmas.
Me: You were supposed to be cleaning up your room before bed.
9: I want a hug
Me: I’ll never say no to hugs, but your timing is very suspicious.