“Mega Shark vs Giant Octopus” is on, followed by “Mega Shark vs Crocasaurus”. Nice job, SyFy. Way to GIVE AWAY THAT GIANT OCTOPUS LOSES.
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The opposite of itty bitty is bigly wiggly
Laughing at your mistakes could lengthen your life. Laughing at your spouse’s mistakes WILL shorten it…
Everyone is so pissed off about the birds that they neglect to notice those eight maids a-milking also came with eight cows a-shitting.
When I weakly slam the microwave door, but it doesn’t latch and springs back to smack me in the face… I probably deserved that.
Wine is like tapdancing, I can never tell if it’s good or bad
To clean up or just move. This is the question.
(husband picking me up at the airport): what’s for dinner?
Reasons to not go camping No.154:
People in sleeping bags are the soft tacos of the bear world…
Coworker : I just like to go with the flow.
Me : Flow away, I’m busy.
I always carry a megaphone in my purse, in case I wander off and get lost at Costco.
[deparment store]
Employee: ma’am, i’m sorry but we only allow service animals inside
Me: this is my service dog *gestures to snake wearing a labrador retriever costume*
Snake: woofssssss
Nothing is better than a home cooked Thanksgiving dinner
I finally got to my parents house after a 7 hour drive. It’s 1am. why is my sisters cat watching Pawn Stars?
I don’t get upset when autocorrect screws me because it’s the most action I’ve seen in years.
As long as my dog gets walked 4 times a day (with one of these taking place at approximately midnight) then she doesn’t go on the downstairs carpet. So easy!
In 5 more years people will be notified of their termination of employment via emoji.
May 2020
STING: *reads about murder hornets*[applies for name change]
June 2020
STING: *reads about the police*[leaves the country]
Now that people ignore word meanings and say they haven’t done/seen/whatever something “in a minute” when they actually mean anything from a week to thirty years, I’m going to take that concept in the other direction and describe small time periods as “several millenia.”
my child dressed himself up as a police car. no not a police officer, a police car
My favorite way to eat eggs is inside chocolate cake mix.
My long hair falls out constantly so I leave it everywhere for birds to make nests, your honor. That’s why my DNA proves I’m thoughtful, generous, and especially not guilty of this crime.
Disappointed it’s raining this weekend
Was totally going to do that job I’ve been putting off for 6 months
BOOGEYMAN: lauraaaaa…wake up I’m gonna EAT YOU
ME: [wakes up] finally
BOOGEYMAN: what?
ME: let’s do this
BOOGEYMAN: it’s not fun if you want it
ME: look buddy either eat me or get out i have to be up in an hour
BOOGEYMAN: s..sorry [leaves]
Annoying when people applaud the plane landing.
Worrying when you realise it’s the pilot and cabin crew.
Me: You should’ve seen this dude checking me out, I have to admit I called back to him.
Him: You called him back? Wait, that’s a bird.
Me: I didn’t say he was interested
host: hello and welcome to another episode of “terrible at social interactions”. let’s meet our first contestant that don’t talk so good, sam. tell us a little bit about yourself sam
sam: yeah and you as well
host:
sam:
host: killer job sammy boy
Donald Trump said he thinks we made the right decision to leave the EU. This confirms that we absolutely did not make the right decision.
It’s weird how opposites attract, like red wine & a new shirt
Caught my girlfriend having sex with an abstract artist. He said “it’s not what it looks like”
I was riding my bike this morning and a guy yelled “Cow” at me. I turned and gave him the finger…and ran straight into the cow.