Joey does not share food! Except it’s me slapping my nephew’s hand away from my pancakes.
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Regular gangs give you a nickname
Rich people gangs give you a Nicholas Name
[making out in a club]
her: wanna go to the bathroom?
me: no I’ve just been thanks
ACCOUNTANT: *taking a look at my books* These are just winky-face emojis.
ME: Yep.
ACCOUNTANT: I think I know why your business is failing.
A choir of Spring onions
Flight attendant: Do we have a doctor on board
Me: I have a PhD in mathematics
Flight attendant: one passenger is having a heart attack and one passenger is having an asthma attack
Me: *nodding* that makes two
“IT’S A BOY” I shouted, tears rolling down my face “I DON’T BELIEVE IT. A BOY!” It was at that moment I chose never to visit Thailand again.
protagonist: tag you’re it
antagonist: no you’re it
pennywise: are you kidding me?
Why aren’t we using these t-shirt cannons for burritos?
[interview at bank]
Interviewer: what’s your biggest weakness?
Me: I’ve been told I’m a terrible bank robber
Interviewer: what
Me: *looking at fish tank* so is that the safe?
I judge the strength of the economy based on what type of candy people hand out on Halloween.
I still remember where I was when I found out that a serving of hummus is two tablespoons. I was on my second container of hummus.
When you’ve brought up your child to be kind and never take sides.
Husband: Who’s fatter – mummy or daddy?
Miss 8: You both are.
I’m at the point in my life where my favorite Mexican restaurant is based solely on how big the margaritas are.
Hot Fuzz; Sea mine
bank robber: fine one question
me: who would you say is your favorite hostage
thanksgiving is canceled? you mean I have to wait until next year for my family to get together and roast me mercilessly?
Of course my children don’t listen to me. I’m not YouTube.
ME: i would like to open a checking account
BANKER: would you like a savings account too?
ME: no
BANKER: okay, just checking
*sees lost cat*
Hey buddy you lost
*reads tag*
there’s a phone number
*dials number*
*little cell phone in cats pocket starts ringing*
Sarah Ross, on Facebook, handed out full-size candy bars. She also put a potato in the bowl. 🥔
me: I’ve finally reached the tipping point
waitress: oh thank god!
Sperm 1: I think I’ve got a shot at a Nobel Peace Prize.
Sperm 2: Not me, I’m looking for a cure for Cancer.
Sperm 3 through 18.2 Mil: We’ve heard good things about the Xbox.
Spent most of my day helping customers find things at Home Depot…I don’t even work there.
Autocorrect changed car battery to car buttery and it slipped out of my fingers and caused an accident on I-25.
*does hair and makeup*
*drives to the gym, takes selfie*
*leaves*
Babies won’t eat food unless they think it’s an airplane because all humans are born believing they’re godzilla.
A werewolf is chasing you. Your life flashes before your eyes: crappy jobs, breakups, Ren fairs. The werewolf gets depressed and goes home.
[Dentist chair]
Him: Lie back and open wide
Me: At least buy me dinner first
Him: *sigh* Please don’t tweet this
Me: *typing* Too late