[goes up to a pair of identical twins]
so how did yall meet
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Imagine you’re fine, minding your own business and then someone offers you a 50$ gift card and you end up spending 400$
ME: I guess in a way I saved YOU.
PARAMEDICS: …
EVERYONE FREEZE THIS IS A ROBBERY!
“What’s that?”
It…it’s a sawed-off shotgun.
“Aren’t you supposed to use the other half?”
…shit.
Nice try “Marco Rubio” — or should I say…
[rearranges letters]
“BIRAC UBOMA”
[audience gasps]
Facebook-
You: Going to a concert tonight!
Friend: Sweet, what concert?
Aunt: WHAT IS ITUNEZ?????? HOW IS YOUR DAD????? I LOVE YOU XOXOXO
The longest 30 seconds of your life happen when you shut the router off to reset the WiFi
No Fitbit, I didn’t walk 18,937 steps today, I had a Sign Language final.
I finally found my wife’s hiding spot for the Girl Scout cookies. Turns out they were in the cabinet like she showed me right after we bought them
If you love a balloon, set it free. If it comes back to you, it probably wasn’t a balloon.
“Bro, you want this pamphlet?”
“Brochure”
Everyone: Wow, I love your official animal.
Aussies: Thanks, it has pockets.
You ever come home early from work and Alexa sounds disappointed?
Aoccdrnig to Ylae rseaerch, it deosn’t mtater waht oredr the ltteers in a wrod are in, the olny iprmoatnt tihng is how mcuh mnoey you hvae
My wife just confessed that for her entire childhood she thought Colonel Sanders’ bow tie was his whole body and now I can’t stop seeing a tiny stick body every time I look at him.
Don’t spend money on body modification. If you wait long enough, your body modifies itself for free.
January is the ex boyfriend you shouldn’t drunk text at two a.m.
Ladies, if you receive flowers with no card on them today they’re from me.
Me to Kids: …and so the princess married the first person who asked her, and that’s called ‘settling,’ can you say ‘never settle,’ children?
Husband, walking in: What the- what kind of bedtime story is THAT?
Me, fleeing room: And they all lived happilyeveraftergoodnight!
men’s occupations according to their shower products: hunter, lumberjack, mechanic, lumberjack again
women’s occupations according to shower products: goddess, mermaid, moon spirit, butterfly,
Instead of asking my kid if she’s brushed her hair, I ask if she’s cured cancer. I figure if I’m gonna be disappointed by the answer it might as well be about something really big
Little did I know the first time I bought a 3-pack of condoms that I was buying a lifetime supply.
#RubbishJokes
Two horses in a field.One says: I’m so hungry I could eat a horse.
The other says: Moo!
Sure sex is great but have you pulled a sticker off something in one go?
Filled out so many forms at the x-ray clinic and now I’m afraid I might have applied to work here.
Any 4 pics of Alan Rickman together looks like an amazing 80’s new wave band you wish existed.
INTERVIEWER: Any questions for me?
ME: How do I access the WIFI?
INTERVIEWER: I meant about the job
ME: Is that all capital?
[In emergency room]
mom 1: my kid needed 12 stitches! how about yours?
dr. frankenstein: 75,000.
*sees 54-year old on American Ninja Warrior*
Through a mouthful of ice cream, “I’ve got plenty of time.”
My two-year-old just made up her own ukulele song. It seems to be called “Even if I was never born (I would still want a popsicle)”
My mom [on the phone]: Hi I can’t talk long
Narrator: But she can. She CAN talk long