When I said I like it rough.. I meant sex, not the entire relationship.
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Her: You secretly think you’re the most clever one in the room, don’t you.
Me: Secretly? No.
[reading bedtime stories]
Daughter: what’s his name?
Me: spot.
Daughter: what’s her name?
Me: daisy.
Daughter: what’s his name?
Me: [sigh] I don’t know, brian.
Wife: what are you reading?
Me: 101 Dalmatians.
Wife: lol [closes door].
Daughter: what’s his na-
Me: *disappears for a few weeks*
Friends: *No concern*
Me: *Posts inspirational quote on FB*
Friends: Dude, you okay? You need to talk?
[Service Dept]
Mechanic: Ma’am, your alignment is all out of whack. Is this an off road vehicle?
Me: Sometimes. But never intentionally.
I may be fat now, but you’re stupid forever.
Doctor, reading chart: “Says here you’re improving!”
Doctor: “…Oops.”
*slowly turns chart rightside up*
Parents: If everyone jumped off a bridge, would you do it as well?
Me: (imagining a scenario where everyone is jumping off of a bridge): probably. What if it’s on fire?
Parents: go to your room.
Puts kids to bed at 6PM: they wake up at 6AM
Puts kids to sleep at 8PM: they wake up at 6AM
There is no winning 🙄
drunk god: land clouds
angel: those are sheep
Amish guys have to rowboat their wives.
my doctor says eating red meat is like a steak thru my heart
My debate style is more like Teddy Roosevelt. I carry a big stick in one hand, a sword in the other, and wait for you to agree.
me: [looking at basketball rim] do you think I can still dunk?
wife: give me back the baby
5 grabbed the rest of my sandwich and said, “Don’t mind if I do!” and walked away.
I’d be mad if I wasn’t so impressed with his confidence.
Me: When I had a successful allotment, I got a lot of unexpected attention from women.
Him: Grew peas?
Me: No, just female vegetable enthusiasts.
How apt that, after listening to “hold music” for an hour, I need a hug.
My cat slept on the couch last night so I guess that means we’re fighting
Him: Mmm…you smell like a bakery.
Me: I just ate 14 croissants.
phone sales rep: may I speak with the head of the household pls?
me: just a sec, he’s using the litter box
At the park yesterday my 4yr old was talking to one of the dads, being all charming and cute, complimenting his tattoos. Then he started telling him about mommy’s tattoos and pointing me out. Good to know I’ve got a good wingman if I ever need one.
After spicing things up in the bedroom, don’t rub your eyes for at least 30 minutes.
I forgot the word milk so I called it calcium juice.
[tries to eject CD 5 mins into space mission]
Houston we have a problem
I KNOW U CHEATED W/MY WIFE TOM ENJOY 12 YRS OF SMASH MOUTH U PRICK
If inmates can pen pal their way into marriage, then there’s still hope for most of you.
Being a mom means being the first one up in the morning, the last one to bed at night, and the only one drinking during church.
If you get a text from me that ends in a stream of emojis, my mother has stolen my phone DO NOT ENGAGE
I saved a ton of money on cool sports cars, vacation getaways and NFL season tickets by having children.
My kids are asking for another dog that I can feed and walk.
I got a pet hyena because someone has to laugh at my tweets…