[on Ferris wheel]
ME: This is going great.
MY DATE: This is so weird.
UBER DRIVER: Let’s get cotton candy next.
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You ask for a Swedish massage and then get mad when I roll meatballs on your back
me: helo darkness my old friend
darkness, who just turned 30 and is totaly self-conscious about his age: cmon man im not old
I like my coffee like I like my men
Sliding off the roof of my car as I drive away
[santa gently waking me] you live like this?
All those years of school never taught me the most important life lesson. Green gummy bears are strawberry flavored.
Ghosts will turn lights on and off, open and close doors, move objects, but never once have they ever turned on a treadmill and I think that’s very telling.
Let me show you what this mouth can do..
[eats a cheeseburger]
*invites cute girl over for dinner. Orally de-bones a whole chicken*
*hands a turd to the teacher
Teacher: What’s this?!
Me: My dog ate my homework.
Her: hear that?
Me: nope
Her: what if someone’s is trying to get in to murder me?
Me: only person that wants to murder you is already inside
[lost in Spain]
Wife: ask that man where we are
Me [pretending to speak Spanish with a local]: gracias
Wife: well?
Me: we are in Spain
Call centre operator: “Sorry for the delay, bear with me … ”
Me: “Put the bear on, he probably knows more.”
Nephew just whispered something into a Cadbury Easter Bunny’s ears then broke off its head.
I’m sleeping with the lights on.
I thought I felt a spider crawling on my neck.
Now I have to pretend I was breakdancing at this bank.
Does anyone want to be my internet girlfriend?
Requirements:
– Exist (optional)
– Talk to me (not recommended)
– Send nudes (if you want, not to me though, I don’t know what to do with them)
My mom keeps telling me there are plenty of fish in the sea. She REALLY doesn’t get me anymore. I. Don’t. Want. A. Fish.
Me, noticing my takeout salad came with a fork AND chopsticks: “Why would anyone eat a salad with chopsticks?”
Also me: tries to eat salad with chopsticks
“Which one is you?”
– My favorite response when someone shows me a selfie with other people in it.
If you live in an apartment and it’s raining and you forgot to buy groceries, you should be allowed to trick-or-treat
I accidentally texted “dong” instead of “doing” and long story short, we’re looking for a new babysitter.
😳
IT’S CHRISTMAS EVE, NOT CHRISTMAS STEVE!!
wife: I wish you were more romantic
me *starts biting the chicken nugget I’m eating into the shape of a heart*
Wife: It’s date night!
Me: So, a movie, and… You still have that school uniform?
W: Yes. *winks*
M: Maybe you can get a student discount.
“You have a BA? Ooooh! Look at you! Well, I have a BA, an MA, & a PhD.”
– 3rd degree burn
I have no idea what settings my 1-year-old changed, but she hit random buttons on my keyboard and now I’m a licensed realtor in Pakistan.
Yelling “give me back my panties, you pervert” at joggers is a surprisingly effective way of encouraging them to run faster.
HIM: tell me your wildest fantasy
ME: i’m on wheel of fortune and i spin it so hard it lights on fire
HIM: i meant like-
ME: everyone claps
me: *stepping out of a time machine* I hope I didn’t change anything
t-rex wearing a little lab coat: me too
dave is coming to play poker
“dave from college or dave who walks like he’s in a video game?”
[dave takes 3 tries to walk through open door]