Our neighbors have little kids, so they hosted a “New Year in London” party
They dressed up, played croquet on the front lawn, watched a livestream from London, and were done by 6:30pm central 😂
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I was looking at my phone and tripped over the dog and we’re both laying in the floor looking at my phone.
Doc- it appears that you take everything way to seriously. You need to get your shit togeth… Oh no, what are you doing! No! Stop!
If you disagree with someone, just slap them with a fish.
Just yelled, “I will EAT you!” out my window in a fit of road rage, so that was new.
[a bunch of henchmen just shit-talking the name Bruce]
(from the shadows) um Bruce is actually a really cool and good name
Officer, I know I was speeding, but you have to let me go. I’m running late to a concert and I’m the guy who brings the giant beach ball.
Dr: What are some of your hobbies?
“I like correcting factual inaccuracies in women’s jokes on Twitter”
Dr: (writing) Not sexually active.
No I can’t go questing today my squire has midterms.
Internet Explorer: so about last night
Me: Oh, i used you for flash.
IE: Are we back together, am i your default?
Me: don’t make this weird
so long suckers! i rev up my motorcylce and create a huge cloud of smoke. when the cloud dissipates im lying completely dead on the pavement
I sat down beside this guy in a diner, every time he went to take a bite of his sandwich I’d say nomnomnom. He left. Making friends is hard.
Him: I’d take a bullet for you
Me: I’ll allow it.
Uber is great because it gives me an opportunity to talk down to people that have nicer cars than me.
me: i want to save this document
computer: great, just click save
me: ok i want to save it as something else
computer: easy, save as
me: amazing! i’m gonna save it as a pdf
computer: print
*wakes at 3am*
*sits in dark*
*jingles chains & scratches walls*
*waits for everyone to be so creeped out they can’t sleep & we open gifts*
going door to door asking “have you seen my son? well can i at least have some candy?”
I was asked to distress some pine furniture, so I told a bookcase that I was going to convert it into firewood.
Tell her she looks tired. Chicks love being told they look tired.
My husband proposed two days after Valentine’s day so that every year he could get me discounted flowers and chocolates on the anniversary instead of the holiday
HER: what do u do for fun?
ME:*thinks about how i break into homes to pet cats* i guess u could say i commit petty crimes
Cats mostly follow you into the bathroom to judge your technique.
Kill it with fire!
*douses it in hot sauce*
Dear websites I don’t give a shit what you do with my cookies right now
ME: (right before I go under anesthesia)
SURGEON: How much you want to bet this guy is full of candy?
My tupperware bowl just reminded me that I had spaghetti in 1999.
Me: I can’t get this damn sports bra on!
Him:
Me:
Him: that’s a plastic produce bag
Me: I FOUND IT IN THE MELON SECTION!
“I’m an animal in the bedroom.”
you like when people scratch your belly?
When the audio cuts out at the end of a newscast and the anchors start chit-chatting I like to pretend it’s about my surprise party.
I hope the bomber suspect is made of green screen so we can all project our most feared skin color onto him.