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I just found a spot so sticky on my kitchen floor that it actually pulled my sock off my foot….so yeah living with children is a delight.
How’s adulting going for me today u ask?
Well,I just spend 20 minutes looking for my phone in my car
While using my phone as a flashlight.
If you need a laugh.. 😅
ME: rock, paper, scissors
PROCTOLOGIST: *snaps on glove* and you’re sure that’s all
*sad ghost floats straight through the wall, the sofa, the table, the tv*
me: why so glum, ghost?
ghost: i’m just going through some stuff
Dr: Are you sexually active?
Me: *cries*
Dr: Um, are you sexually-
Me: *cries harder*
Dr: …..Ok. Do you drink?
Me: YES I BLOODY DRINK
[skydiving, first jump]
INSTRUCTOR: everyone ready?
EAGLE: yes.
HAWK: check.
SPARROW: ready.
PENGUIN: this is a really bad idea.
I don’t know who needs to hear this, but America literally invented pizza and pasta. Italy is now trying to appropriate our culture and I won’t stand for it. Last I checked Little Caesars is headquartered in Detroit, not Davos.
I realize climate change may be a problem but it doesn’t have retail employees I can record myself yelling at so what do you want from me
[walks into kitchen]
Me: Put that back, it’s mine.
Daughter: Sorry.
Me: Your big brother once tried to steal my cake.
Daughter: I don’t have a big brother.
Me: Exactly.
Daddy Longlegs: Proof you need to settle your inner demons before naming animals.
*during sex*
Me: *unrolling a wrapper*
Her: you don’t have to use a condom
Me : *mouthful of fruit by the foot* oh cool
Last-minute gift idea!
Interviewer: “Your resume says you’re good at jumping to conclusions?”
Me: “When can I start?”
I just wish I had the confidence of my husband who thinks everything only takes 5 minutes.
My boyfriend literally has no problem making friends with anybody…
You can save a lot of money if you just steal everything
Me: Everyone has that one restaurant they’re embarrassed to walk into when it’s daylight
Taco Bell employee, from across the street: Hey Adam!
Me: *runs away*
Her: Have you seen my penguin tattoo?
Me *eyes wide* how does he hold the needle?
My daughter has decided to teach our kitten to laugh.
I may have over sold the “you can do anything you set your mind to” narrative.
Cute stranger: *smiles at me*
Me: *already imagining who will get custody of the dog*
Finally! 😈
Ran into an ex-girlfriend. We talked, exchanged info, and she said her “insurance would call” me. Someones still carrying a torch!
It’s a beautiful morning. Lots of people out walking their phones.
A few years ago I accidentally left one of my kids at the Alamo. It wasn’t too bad, it was less than 20 minutes when we realized. The problem is now, at 17, anytime she wants something she says, “REMEMBER THE ALAMO?” and my mom guilt takes over and she gets whatever she wants.
Movies taught me that, when you place a small sentimental item in someone’s hand, you also have to close their hand for them.
A 5-year-old just asked me if I’d ever heard of algae. You bet I have you little weirdo!
Doctor: Would you like a local anesthetic?
Me: No, I’d prefer one from out of town.
Be the change you’re looking for
between the couch cushions.
him: how long for a table
me: they’re about 5 ft across
him: no the wait
me: about 78 lbs