All the Christmas gifts I wrap look like they were done by a drunk elf with a tape fetish.
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WW2 started from a game of telephone when Hitler said ” I hate shoes”
You’ve restored my faith in humanitNOPE THERE IT GOES AGAIN
I told the kids if they’re not good we’re flying United this summer.
this was the best i’ve ever seen
Q: My daughter will not eat fish, what can I replace it with?
A: A cat. Cats love fish.
Comments other people make during a movie are annoying.
Comments I make during a movie enhance the experience.
“Act your age!” I yell at my 11 year-old daughter as I put on my Captain America t-shirt.
People don’t frolic enough anymore.
FROLIC YOU PIECES OF SHIT
“Don’t come in here there’s glass,” I say, but it’s too late. They all know the sound of secret peanut M&Ms skittering across the kitchen floor.
9 has decided to write a book called “True facts about idiot humans”
And I’d be lying if I said I wasn’t worried about her source of information
Drink like a fish and you’ll never feel like a fish out of water socially. You might look like one but you’ll never feel like one…
I prefer the term busy professional, thank you.
[courtroom]
me: good morning, Judge McDonald
Judge: you will address the court properly
Me:
Judge: or be found in contempt
Me: Good morning, Your Ronald
The adult version of Marco Polo is calling your own cell phone to track it down.
Airlines texting me “we in this together” emails but when my bag was 35kg I was on my own.
My husband: It’d be nice to have a wife who cooked dinner.
Me: ooo!! Can we get one?
Four polite Canadians arrive at a four way stop sign simultaneously.
…The end.
[chatting up a man in camouflage pants]
Where’d you get those tree legs, garden boy
You may think you’re having a bad day but did you mindlessly grab a tube of triple antibiotic ointment and brush your teeth with it?
Weird how all salons are closed on Sundays, yet if you can convincingly fake a heart attack, paramedics will shave your chest-hair for free.
oh shoot the farmers market was out of cocoa krispies and actually ‘never had them’ and they ‘don’t think I understand what a farmers market is’
“WHAT?? You ate the last of the cantaloupe?? This is the worst day ever!”
Can you please stop being so melondramatic.
You’d think Kate Middleton would have people to hide for her.
I love how people say ‘walk before you run’ like I’m going to be running at some point.
The Santa Clause (1994) A man gains a ton of weight after murdering a stranger on his roof
A haunted house, but just with a bunch of mall kiosk guys chasing you with face cream
ME: I fell off a 50 ft tall ladder once
GIRL: holy cow how did you survive
ME: I fell off the bottom rung
Keep your friends close and your flamethrower closer.
maybe my dad is at the other end of this cvs receipt
Heard someone explaining how to close a bag of chips and now all I can think about is who doesn’t finish an entire bag of chips after opening it?