Who thought blowing out candles on a cake was a good tradition? Ah yes; wax would go well with this cake and you know what else? Child spit.
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if you stab somebody “over a chicken sandwich” you were destined to stab somebody over something, someday. on this day, the wheel of fortune just happened to land on delicious chicken. don’t blame the chicken, baby.
I’d rather be liked than loved. When you disappoint a girl who likes you, she’s less likely to make a pact with Lucifer to destroy your life
I took a break from social media to spend more time with my family. My family has requested I spend more time with social media.
Took my daughter and her best friend to dinner and a show with endless snacks and sodas but we didn’t get ice cream afterwards so naturally this night will forever be known as “that night you didn’t get us ice cream.”
[friend at his party] I think we’re just gonna keep spotify on for awhile
[me with a harmonica imprint in my pocket] cool my lips hurt anyway
I just know I will die trying to pet something I shouldn’t.
ex: no one will ever love you like I do.
me: promise?
Relationship Status: Just asked the bag of Doritos laying in bed next to me if they had enough room
My kids will be late to school even if we lived inside the school
Insomnia: she’s not going to sleep again and it’s all your fault
Coffee: she likes me strong and takes me late at night
Me: can you two stop talking about me like I’m not right here
Shouldn’t all ghosts be naked? It’s not like your clothes die too.
My daughter plays recorder now and practices every single day, so yes, I believe in karma. I’m not even sure what I did, but I believe in it.
“Latte” is Latin for: You paid too much for that coffee.
Relationship status: my husband bought a ukulele
I’m not saying I don’t like people… but if someone walks toward me in a library, I’ll plug my headphones into the book I’m reading.
Shout out to the lady at the gym who just yelled into her phone ‘THE ONLY PROBLEM IN MY LIFE IS YOU BRIAN’; hung up and went right back to her workout
Got a little bit lost in the woods. I’m putting everything into the clothes hamper in case of tics.
Heck, I’m going into the hamper too.
Boss: Ur fired
Me: Why?
[his phone rings & I instinctively drop-kick it out a window]
B: That
Me: My powers?
B: Call it what u want, but yes
Maybe there’s no sunshine when he’s gone, but at least I don’t have to fight over the remote.
Flash mobs are so not what I thought. Now I’ve gotta go find my clothes.
This hospital has everything
2 days ago I gained 800 followers in one day just for tweeting a cleavage pic
Unbooblievable
How to make-out –
1. Hold her close
2. Kiss passionately
3. Don’t mention the budget deficit or your father
Me: Wouldn’t it be funny if a hawk swooped down and grabbed one of the kids?
Him: You need help.
What does my tattoo mean? It means I couldn’t be trusted with $200 when I was 18
SUBWAY EMPLOYEE: What would you like-
ME: I’D LIKE TO CREATE A SHOW ABOUT A DOG WHO FLIPS HOUSES
SE: -on your sandwich?
ME: FIXER PUPPER
Have kids, they said
This is the final season of Young Sheldon.
I hope they don’t kill him off.
It’s so weird, when I was a kid BBC Radio 2 played dated songs for old people – but they must have had a policy change over the years cuz now they seem to play cool, awesome songs for young people like me!
With the right person, there is no such thing as inappropriate behavior.