“Do you really let your dog sleep in the bed with you??”
My dog:
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“…until death do us part” okee sure, death of what tho?
Breakfast: 300 calories
Lunch: 400 calories
Dinner: 600 calories
Evening Snack: 2,400,000 calories
Technically, setting someone on fire is burning calories.
[Stock market crashes]
“Oh no, I better check on my investments!”
*opens cupboard over top of the sink*
[1000s of Shrek dvds fall out]
If newscasters are going to be broadcasting from their homes, the least they can do is show us around the place.
Me: *gives a detailed explanation of the law based on 20 years of experience as an attorney*
Female client: My husband said the exact opposite of what you told me.
Me: Where did your husband go to law school?
Client: He didn’t.
Me: So you should probably just do what he says.
Have to get my driver’s license renewed today, so naturally I spilt coffee on my shirt.
I don’t want to hear about any moonlit romantic walks on the beach…unless there’s a clown with a wooden club chasing you.
Sorry I disappeared for 3 years, I was getting out of a bean bag chair.
Ro-Ro-Robocop,
Gently down the stream,
Merrily, merrily, merrily, merrily,
Killing bad guys in old Detroit in revenge for his murder.
They say, every transformation makes you a new person.
But they don’t tell us where & how to dispose off the body
He’s heavily invested in crypto so kinda clearly doesn’t know when to let something go
Going to get a facial today… this guy on Craigslist is offering a way lower price than the salon!
A dying fire will always attract a dad with a stick who will poke it twice and say, “…that should do it.”
This is the greatest Twitter thread ever
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me, sweating: You finally found out I took my third grade teacher’s eraser without permission?
Cop:
Me:
Cop: Speeding
Me: Oh phew!
“turn right at the corner donut shop, then left at the pink cake place, your destination is on your right beside the surprisingly good vegan bakery*
[me as a GPS]
This week’s mood.
Flat-Earthers play basketball with a frisbee.
I had a stalker once but he saw me eating soup
Doctor: That mule really kicked you. I’m afraid there’s some bleeding on the brain
Me: He gave me a bloody knows, LOL
You’ve ripped the husband stick figure off your minivan, but also the cat stick figure. This is a story I want to hear.
I told my friends, family and dentist that I chipped my tooth recently because Storm Isha blew the garden door into my face at high speed. The truth is that I was actually playing tug of war with our Alsatian dog, by holding the other end of the rope in my teeth.
My train of thought is actually just a drunken wedding conga line.
You see me wildly flailing my arms. Did I:
a) Walk through a spider web?
b) Try to wrap something in Saran wrap?
c) Try to use Scotch tape?
What do you call a man who thinks women are easy to lie to?
Deceased
The Rainforest Cafe isn’t realistic enough for me. Part of the restaurant should burn down by the time you finish your meal.
*waters flowers*
*flowers die**sprays weeds with poison*
*weeds mutate, quadruple in size, grow 3 heads, and start speaking in tongues*
“Give me your tired, your poor, your huddled masses yearning to breathe free. Unless they’re darker than, say, beige.”- Statue of Liberty.