I had a sex dream about my wife last night…except her hair was black instead of blonde…and she looked a lot like my hot neighbor Karen.
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i don’t understand all these newfangled apps. like “phone”
Wife: Don’t you think the yard needs to be mowed?
(from my recliner I check google maps satellite view of our house)
Me: It looks fine to me
*walks in with singed eyebrows and an empty gas can*
Friend: The revenge didn’t go as planned, did it?
Me: *grabs chainsaw* Nope.
[puts hand on wife’s stomach as baby kicks]
Come out here & try that.
My favourite child is the one who just told me I’m so funny. Don’t know her name yet but she lives down the street.
you’re legally allowed to steal anything from the doctor’s office if they leave you alone in the room for a minute
Through a telescope, I see a woman on a planet light years away.
She waves.
I wave.
I awkwardly realize she is waving to the guy behind me.
Seems like it would be really tough being a girl named Molly at a rave.
Girls complain about guys using them for sex, but sex is awesome! Start bitching when he uses you for laundry, or as a human shield.
You can’t tell me what to do, you’re not a bowl of mashed potatoes.
Server: Everything ok over here?
Me: Yes, thank you.*2 minutes later*
Server: Still doing ok?
Me: Things have taken a dark turn I fear.
I replace all the family pictures my coworkers have on their desks with pictures of baby sloths and suddenly I need professional help?!?
Ticketmaster: $55 per ticket
Me: ok I’ll take 2
Ticketmaster: ok that will be $400
9: Can I sleep with you?
Me: Why?
9: Had a dream about the Lullaby Lady.
M: Who?
9: An old woman with no skin on her hands.
M: Why do you call her that?
9: Because she stands next to your bed and hums while you sleep.
M: Sure, just let Daddy put the house up for sale real quick.
Italian names sound delicious. Even Mussolini, sounds like a fried cheese that ends up oppressing your digestive process. #Italians
If you know, you know 😂🚔
*waves to the bagged salad i’ll throw out in a few days as i get ketchup for my fries
My boyfriend and I got couples tattoos today!!!!
PLEASE do not tell my husband
I accidentally rubbed some ketchup in my eye. Now I have Heinz sight.
chipotle guy: i didn’t charge you for the guac.
me: oh cool thanks man.
chipotle guy: no i’m saying i need your card back.
me:
chipotle guy: so i can charge you.
me:
chipotle guy: for the guac.
Wordle is trying to tell me something
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“Doc, it’s embarrassing, but I don’t feel sexy.”
“Try wearing the wife’s panties.”
“Really?”
“Yeah, the red ones with the lace are nice”
peter parker, bitten by radio-active spider: *donates $65 to NPR*
Boarding a plane so if a flight attendant asks if there’s a doctor I’m hoping I’m not the only one
this guy on tiktok rated emergency alarm sounds from different countries and there’s no reason it should be this funny 💀
*logs onto Facebook*
*sees 347 ultrasound pictures*
*logs off forever*
figuring out my emotional availability:
I’ve got roughly 12 hours left of summer vacation, and I’m really starting to think that my friends & I aren’t going to stumble across an alien creature stranded in the woods, or discover a secret map providing clues to buried pirate treasure. And that’s just sad.
My blow up doll has started wheezing and she’s loosing weight rapidly. Getting very concerned.
After a heated discussion with Marie Kondo i’ve decided to throw myself in the trash.